At Least You Aren't Alone Like ZOIDBERG!!!

"Why Must I Be A Crustacean In Love?"

The summer is an interesting time: it's hot, emotions run high, necklines run low, and all this makes one realize how long it has been since they had dated someone. We are about, if not a little more than, halfway through the summer and a lot of people are already dating, married, or--as Dylan Moran put it--in the throws of the "Summer Girl" phase. People have seen this before in the movie Grease, but didn't recognize it because 1) it was behind the entire masks-that-people-put-on-to-please-others thing, and 2) it was a musical. Sure, those who watched Grease, as well as the link above, will think something along the lines of Guys are disgusting for debasing women emotionally this way. How dare they! While that is a very good point, one has to remember that women can-do or have-done it too. Bearing those thoughts in mind, a new question arises: Where can I meet someone?

You can meet someone at a bar, a wedding, or through any open forum. I didn't write online because that is an entirely different entity that I will touch on in a different post. Meeting someone in person has a few specific rules to adhere to:

The downside of having a wing man (See Step 4).

1.  Dress the Part - A lot of people say Be yourself and that is true, but there is a less likely chance that the opposing sex is going to take you seriously if you are sporting a Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt or kitten sweater. Simply put, dress like yourself, but a little nicer. If you dress predominantly in jeans, trade up your sneakers for some nicer shoes (loafers or heels). Perhaps add a button up on top of your t-shirt and some retro glow bands, but only ironically. It should go without saying that you should dress appropriately for special occasions such as weddings.
2. Don't Go With Intentions - This is similar to the common expression "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." If you go out with grand ideas of how you will sweep someone off their feet by buying them a fish sandwich, there will be a certain sense of disappointment when you go home alone with a large pizza. Go to have a good time and leave if you aren't having one. If nothing is happening, you may end up trying too hard and people can see that.
3. Find a Good Place - Remember, going without intentions means you are more likely to have fun at a place you actually find fun rather than a place that is loaded with women. This will help you focus on Step 2. Again, leave if you aren't having fun. This step also focuses on positioning. There are more likely to be people bellied up at the bar if you're in a pub. Yes, people will go to the exit and/or bathroom, but don't be creepy.
4. Wing Person vs. Wing Man - Sure, you can have a wing man. It is a lot less creepier for a few friends to be hanging out than one person alone, but keep in mind that you and a buddy may be looking for the same thing. If you are looking for someone of the opposing gender, who would understand them better than someone the same gender they are? Not only that, but for some weird, psychological reason people like to hit on people in relationships, either because they are happy or because there is a carnal need to destroy a relationship. I go with the second one. So there is a slightly larger chance that you will meet someone in this case.
5. Communication - Anyone can buy someone a drink at a bar...unless they are broke. Not everyone will listen to a person in a bar. Simple communication can go a long way and can be about anything. There are simple rules to this too: Don't talk about work, don't talk about yourself too much, listen to them, and forget what gender they are (this is a reference to Step 2). Remember to watch for certain body language, they are more likely to be interested the more they initiate body contact and less interested the more they cringe and whip out their mace. I've spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder and mace.
6. Continuing the Good Times - If the body language is positive it is usually alright to either invite them over for some food or get their number. It doesn't matter if this doesn't happen because, remember Step 2, you didn't have any intentions that you would get anything. Besides, look at the bright side, you didn't get maced. How many people can say that? 

Just Remember: If you go home alone with a large pizza, remember that you aren't alone like Zoidberg...he can't afford a pizza.

 -Future_Man_3000

P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

Me & My Doppelganger

 You look at yourself in the mirror and notice features about you that make a unique being...or do you? There are only so many features available to humans that make us each "unique." With that in mind, it is obvious that at least two of the 6.89 billion people on this planet look alike. Some of the people on this planet even look like their pets, yet it is still a shock to the system whenever we see someone that looks like our long lost twin.

I realize it is a jarring effect, but don't worry. They are people...mostly, like you. I have run into two of my doppelgangers already--Egyptian Me and Lesbian Me--and let me tell you that they were rather interesting, especially Lesbian Me.

Silly individuals of the past would have shunned their twins or worse, but here are a few rules on how to meet your doppelganger.

1. Let it happen - Much like a solar eclipse or a fist fight at a wedding you can't force meeting your doppelganger. Trying to find a friend to dress up like you is just plain silly and time traveling to meet a younger version of yourself doesn't count. The meeting has to be a natural and organic or how else are you going to explain it when you show up on their doorstep?
2. Be calm - Like with wild animals, if you're scared, they will be scared. Just pretend that you are Steve Irwin in the wild examining a crafty animal that isn't a sting ray. (...too soon?)
3. Get to know them - This is an important step in the process. In every twin meeting movie (basically every Olson Twins movie and The Parent Trap) it is good to know about your doppelganger for the purposes of trading places with them and or other nefarious deeds (see steps 5 and 6).
4. Win their trust - This step can vary. It can be as simple as talking to them or becoming their friend. Gaining trust may take a little time, but it will be extremely useful for any fun practical jokes and or nefarious deeds (again, see steps 5 and 6).
5. Pin your screw ups and/or crimes on them - Before cameras were installed in almost every workplace, it was simple to place blame for your mistakes on the new guy. That task has become a little more difficult since the untrusting boss came across the cheap camera system. Normally that would matter, but now you have someone that looks just like you that you can blame. Goody!
6. Attempt to steal their significant other - Now that your doppelganger may or may not be unemployed and/or in jail, you may feel free to attempt to squeeze into their place for their personal relationship. It may be hard at first, but in time their significant other may grow to like the real you. Just keep in mind to make that happen before your doppelganger gets out of prison, there is a time limit.

Just Remember: Doppelgangers can do this to you as well, so make your attempt first or have a shitty life that they don't want to steal.

-Future_Man_3000

P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

So I'm a Delivery Boy?

The economy had a massive downturn in 2012. Some blamed it on national output while others blamed it on politicians. The poor blamed the wealthy. The wealthy blamed the poor. The middle class went out for a smoke because they only had five minute left on their break. As for me, I blame Andy. He knows what he did. That smug bastard.



Normally this would effect mainly college graduates, but it seems to be effecting everyone. Are you a recent college graduate attempting to reach for your dream job, but not finding any luck? Or are you someone that just lost their job because their company is "restructuring"? Hey, it's ok. It's never a shame to do something else while you are trying to get to where you want. Einstein was a patent clerk until he made major discoveries, Hemingway was a journalist when he was between books, and Richard M. Nixon was President of the United States before he became President of Earth in 3001.

Yes, it is scary and freaking annoying to get a new job, but who knows? Maybe you will get some funny stories out of it. I had to work at a stupid hotel for a while, but I gained tons of funny stories from that...like the time the horrible wedding guest head-butted a table. Heck, if Kevin Smith can write/direct/produce a movie about working in a convenient store, I'm sure that almost any job can be entertaining to some degree. You don't have to stay there forever, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do until things get better.


Just remember: The only failure would be to give up on your dreams all together.


-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Happy Freedom Day Everyone!

Happy Freedom Day everyone. Today is a day where can all gather round and do what ever we want to express ourselves because we are free. It doesn't matter, it's Freedom Day! Yes, we have so much freedom it's almost sickening. Go ahead, gather your closest friends and have a nice relaxing dip in the freedom tub. Follow it up with attending the Freedom Day Parade.

"Our planet has been through so much this past year--wars, droughts, impeachments--but we've never lost our sense of what's truly important: the great taste of Charleston Chew."- President of Earth, Richard Milhouse Nixon, Freedom Day 3003



  -Future_Man_3000



 P.S.- DON'T EAT THE EARTHICAN FLAG! That's the only party foul of Freedom Day.