Return of the Online Dating Monster

Last week I briefly described the entire idea of online dating; however, I didn't discuss searching for a significant other. This entry will be the one that I discuss how to effectively narrow down a search. Before you go running off, figuring out about others, you must realize that you have to figure yourself out first. Ask yourself what is a "deal breaker" for you and use that to help you discern who fits into your needs and who doesn't. If you hold intellect at a high level, it might be a bit of a stretch for you to date someone that never went to college. If you find having similar interests to be key, it might be difficult if you have very little in common. Can you deal with them having kids or taking head shots with duck lips? How far are you willing to drive to see them? Is the percentage of you wanting to drive to visit them directly proportionate to the level at which you expect more than a good night kiss? Answer these questions and it does narrow down quite a bit more.

Now that we have that out of the way, we must realize that many people have a hard time at talking about themselves and therefore write bad profiles.
 
The profile types are as follows:
  
The Liar - These profiles are generally easy to spot. The pictures tend to be incredibly easy to find on Google Image Search. It is less than likely that you happened to stumble upon someone that lives with in 40 miles of you, has an uncanny resemblance to your favorite actor/actress and just can't find the right one for some unsuspicious reason. Sometimes the Liar doesn't present him/herself until there has been some discussion for a while. They may manage to conveniently not show up for dates or blatantly admit their lies to you when writing back and forth. Of course, on occasion, the Liar is only created to slam the person who is pictured in the profile. These profiles generally admit to things that most people wouldn't admit to (i.e. If a girl writes in her profile "She likes to cheat on her bfs" this is a key indicator of a Liar profile).

This profile is easy to deal with by ignoring it.

The Bait and Switch - There is a picture with two or more people in it. The others don't matter because that cute one is the one this profile must belong to. Your long search has come to an end...until you look at their other photos and see that the profile belongs to the person you find least appealing.

I'm sorry for your lose...move on.

The Empty One - This is pretty self-explanatory. The Empty One is generally pretty empty. Sometimes this type of profile is combined with a Liar profile to create a Slam profile. Slam profiles generally admit to things that most people wouldn't admit to (i.e. If a girl writes in her profile "She likes to cheat on her bfs" this is a key indicator of a Liar profile). If neither of these is true, then it is possible that this person is too scared to open up. Some people won't put a picture up because they either aren't confident in their looks or are worried they will get nothing but the people they aren't interested in.

If you can read this profile in under a minute and you aren't a speed reader, then something isn't right. Either attempt to coax them out of their shell or move on to another profile.

The Dramatist - I don't know how to effectively convey irony in tone, but the dramatist so doesn't love drama, they totally don't want their lives to be like a soap opera. Dramatists love drama because they like the action. These profiles generally have the phrase "I'm drama free" or "Please, no drama." They are kidding, they dig drama as long as they can control it.


The List Maker - A profile by the List Maker is pretty easy to spot as everything is aligned on the left-side and either proceeded by a dash or number. These profiles are somewhat of a contradiction. They make the profile author look like they are very self-away and are giving a great deal of information, but this isn't necessarily the case. Sure, you may learn what list of things they want to know or what have you

Try combating the List Maker by asking them to list off certain things or have them explain the order of their lists.

The Island (The Independent One) - The Island is an easy profile to spot as there are certain key phrases. If a person clearly states that "they won't change for you no matter what" they are the island. These people are very set in their ways or have a specific group of people they care for. Be fun, easy going, and always tread lightly. That is the only way to deal with an island.

The Average Joe/Josephine - This person sounds like they have an incredible amount of things in common with you. They have a job, you have a job. You both like the same sports team. By sheer happenstance, you both not only breath Oxygen, but think it is the best element on the periodic table.

While this person is easy to talk to and has a lot in common with you, the only way to find out if you two work is to hang out in person. You will either click or you won't.

The Busy One - He/She totally has a great job that is the cornerstone of his/her busy schedule. Every moment is timed precisely. There is working out, time for meeting friends, time for other hobbies, and, in those few minutes before bed, time to check their email and respond to you. Clearly this person understands that they don't have time to meet people, but they don't realize that they don't really have time to date people.

The only way to deal with this is to be calm, and try to work to their schedule. If you can't, then it won't fly.

The Vague One - These profiles can often say a lot with out saying anything. They may explain why that author joined a dating website or what they are doing with their life, but the one key component to these is that all they say is filler and nothing personal or important. Often, these profile use cliches like "I'm the girl next door" or "I want someone to spend time with." This is when you ask yourself What the hell is a girl next door? which leads into thinking about your neighbor growing up and realizing how annoying they were.

This person needs to be slowly coaxed out of their shell, much like a turtle. Feed them compliments and try to make them laugh. If they are still rather rigid, don't put in the effort.

The Dependent One - If not this exact line, these profiles will have a line that reads something akin to "I'm looking for someone to be an everything to me." Some of these people are talking about moving on to the next step in their lives which can be code for marriage/children.

Simply ask for what they want out of a relationship specifically. This can be a good indicator of whether or not you can handle them.


The Tease - This is the most obvious of profiles as there is generally a picture of implied nudity, some line or phrase that can obviously be misconstrued, or some way-too-honest fact that they clearly don't want people to focus on. This can range from "I'm not a fan of pants" to "I never wear underwear." These profiles can just as easily fall into the category of Slam profiles. Don't bother with them. They are just looking for attention.

This should help out in decrypting dating profiles, but keep in mind that my methods in combating the authors attempts at anonymity are simply what have worked for me. Perhaps you can try a different methods. Beware though, don't confuse the Tease for a simple confused person.

The Contradictor - Even James Bond wouldn't understand what these people are talking about. They say they want someone that they want to be around all the time and then they say they want someone who will give them space. This profile author, much like the last, needs to clarify a great deal.


Just Remember: Communication is key, it is the way I decrypted these profile types for me and it is a way for you to find your own method for doing the same.



-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com