A while back, I was introduced to a series of women who, unbeknownst to our matchmaker, were already in relationships. When I would meet these ladies it would be automatically noted that they were seeing someone and, my personality being what it is, made a joke about how "polyamory is totally in this year." This joke was usually met with an awkward laugh, an inability to look at one another while attempting small talk, and followed up with an immediate parting of ways. The joke was totally off putting for a lot of people, but then I would think to myself that I know a few people that are in poly-amorous relationships. To be perfectly honest, I have never understood such a relationship so I decided to talk with the people I know that are in those relationships.
FORWARNING: The people I am friends with may be in polyamorous relationships, but are by no means the standard for such.
How it had been explained to me is that I should imagine everything I love and then imagine the difficulty of finding a lover that had all of those traits. I had didn't have to imagine long, I knew how difficult that could be. Then I was instructed to imagine that I had all those things. After a bit of imagining there was this grand sensation of joy. My friends told me that their relationships were like that: they had found all the traits they liked and collected them into the relationship. To be honest, a lot of those couples look happy.
Then I had some faults to them I noticed. I noticed that everyone is basically at control of the relationship initiator and this initiator has a favorite. Recently, I have seen a friend lose one of her lovers and, unfortunately, it happened to be her favorite of the group. It would seem to me that too much control on behalf of the initiator can become almost difficult in such situations, making them not delightful relationships. This could, of course, be a bias in opinion based on the information I viewed in my friend and therefore doesn't mean it's the final say on the matter.
Just Remember: Relationships are relationships, whether they are one-on-one or multiple-people-sharing-one-person they need to be respected.
-Future_Man_3000
P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com
A while back, roughly in November, I made a post titled The First Wave. That post basically talked about how couples typically break up around Thanksgiving, allowing for you single people to go out and find some newly available people. A lot of people have been asking me when the second wave would take place, believing it would happen in December. The reason why you were still with someone during Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/etc. and New Year's is because nobody wants to be remembered as the first break up of a new year or the person that ruined Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/etc.
In truth, your significant other has been weighing the option of dating you since the holiday. There is a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." That saying is somewhat similar in terms of relationships, but it changes to, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 30 or 40 times, shame on me." Those 30 or 40 times can more than likely present themselves over the holiday season. Since Christmas and New Year's are so close together, it is almost like one big holiday and, returning to the original expression, screwing up one holiday season is enough. Nobody wants to have a bad second one. Now what is that bad second one? You guessed it: Valentine's Day. If you make it to the weekend past the dreadfully romantic holiday, you are safe; however, people have cut it so close to the wire that they break up on the very day.
This is the Second Wave.
Just Remember: The first wave is rather helpful because there is still fun to be had in those early winter months, but now everyone wants to relax and keep warm, making going out a little harder. You will need to take a bit of time. Give it a month or so and you should be fine.
Last week I briefly described the entire idea of online dating; however, I didn't discuss searching for a significant other. This entry will be the one that I discuss how to effectively narrow down a search. Before you go running off, figuring out about others, you must realize that you have to figure yourself out first. Ask yourself what is a "deal breaker" for you and use that to help you discern who fits into your needs and who doesn't. If you hold intellect at a high level, it might be a bit of a stretch for you to date someone that never went to college. If you find having similar interests to be key, it might be difficult if you have very little in common. Can you deal with them having kids or taking head shots with duck lips? How far are you willing to drive to see them? Is the percentage of you wanting to drive to visit them directly proportionate to the level at which you expect more than a good night kiss? Answer these questions and it does narrow down quite a bit more.
Now that we have that out of the way, we must realize that many people have a hard time at talking about themselves and therefore write bad profiles.
The profile types are as follows: The Liar - These profiles are generally easy to spot. The pictures tend to be incredibly easy to find on Google Image Search. It is less than likely that you happened to stumble upon someone that lives with in 40 miles of you, has an uncanny resemblance to your favorite actor/actress and just can't find the right one for some unsuspicious reason. Sometimes the Liar doesn't present him/herself until there has been some discussion for a while. They may manage to conveniently not show up for dates or blatantly admit their lies to you when writing back and forth. Of course, on occasion, the Liar is only created to slam the person who is pictured in the profile. These profiles generally admit to things that most people wouldn't admit to (i.e. If a girl writes in her profile "She likes to cheat on her bfs" this is a key indicator of a Liar profile).
This profile is easy to deal with by ignoring it.
The Bait and Switch - There is a picture with two or more people in it. The others don't matter because that cute one is the one this profile must belong to. Your long search has come to an end...until you look at their other photos and see that the profile belongs to the person you find least appealing.
I'm sorry for your lose...move on.
The Empty One - This is pretty self-explanatory. The Empty One is generally pretty empty. Sometimes this type of profile is combined with a Liar profile to create a Slam profile. Slam profiles generally admit to things that most people wouldn't admit
to (i.e. If a girl writes in her profile "She likes to cheat on her
bfs" this is a key indicator of a Liar profile). If neither of these is true, then it is possible that this person is too scared to open up. Some people won't put a picture up because they either aren't confident in their looks or are worried they will get nothing but the people they aren't interested in.
If you can read this profile in under a minute and you aren't a speed reader, then something isn't right. Either attempt to coax them out of their shell or move on to another profile.
The Dramatist - I don't know how to effectively convey irony in tone, but the dramatist so doesn't love drama, they totally don't want their lives to be like a soap opera. Dramatists
love drama because they like the action. These profiles generally have
the phrase "I'm drama free" or "Please, no drama." They are kidding,
they dig drama as long as they can control it.
The List Maker - A profile by the List Maker is pretty easy to spot as everything is aligned on the left-side and either proceeded by a dash or number. These profiles are somewhat of a contradiction. They make the profile author look like they are very self-away and are giving a great deal of information, but this isn't necessarily the case. Sure, you may learn what list of things they want to know or what have you
Try combating the List Maker by asking them to list off certain things or have them explain the order of their lists.
The Island (The Independent One) - The Island is an easy profile to spot as there are certain key phrases. If a person clearly states that "they won't change for you no matter what" they are the island. These people are very set in their ways or have a specific group of people they care for. Be fun, easy going, and always tread lightly. That is the only way to deal with an island.
The Average Joe/Josephine - This person sounds like they have an incredible amount of things in common with you. They have a job, you have a job. You both like the same sports team. By sheer happenstance, you both not only breath Oxygen, but think it is the best element on the periodic table.
While this person is easy to talk to and has a lot in common with you, the only way to find out if you two work is to hang out in person. You will either click or you won't.
The Busy One - He/She totally has a great job that is the cornerstone of his/her busy schedule. Every moment is timed precisely. There is working out, time for meeting friends, time for other hobbies, and, in those few minutes before bed, time to check their email and respond to you. Clearly this person understands that they don't have time to meet people, but they don't realize that they don't really have time to date people.
The only way to deal with this is to be calm, and try to work to their schedule. If you can't, then it won't fly.
The Vague One - These profiles can often say a lot with out saying anything. They may explain why that author joined a dating website or what they are doing with their life, but the one key component to these is that all they say is filler and nothing personal or important. Often, these profile use cliches like "I'm the girl next door" or "I want someone to spend time with." This is when you ask yourself What the hell is a girl next door? which leads into thinking about your neighbor growing up and realizing how annoying they were.
This person needs to be slowly coaxed out of their shell, much like a turtle. Feed them compliments and try to make them laugh. If they are still rather rigid, don't put in the effort.
The Dependent One - If not this exact line, these profiles will have a line that reads something akin to "I'm looking for someone to be an everything to
me." Some of these people are talking about moving on to the next step in their lives which can be code for marriage/children.
Simply ask for what they want out of a relationship specifically. This can be a good indicator of whether or not you can handle them.
The Tease - This is the most obvious of profiles as there is
generally a picture of implied nudity, some line or phrase that can
obviously be misconstrued, or some way-too-honest fact that they clearly
don't want people to focus on. This can range from "I'm not a fan of
pants" to "I never wear underwear." These profiles can just as easily
fall into the category of Slam profiles. Don't bother with them. They are just looking for attention.
This
should help out in decrypting dating profiles, but keep in mind that my
methods in combating the authors attempts at anonymity are simply what
have worked for me. Perhaps you can try a different methods. Beware though, don't confuse the Tease for a simple confused person.
The Contradictor - Even James Bond wouldn't understand what these people are talking about. They say they want someone that they want to be around all the time and then they say they want someone who will give them space. This profile author, much like the last, needs to clarify a great deal.
Just Remember: Communication is key, it is the way I decrypted these profile types for me and it is a way for you to find your own method for doing the same.
-Future_Man_3000
P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com
A while back I wrote a an entry about meeting people in a bar. In that entry, I left out the entire concept of online dating and claimed I would get back to it eventually. Now, five months later, I feel as though I have researched enough to understand it a bit more thoroughly.
As with a great deal of many other situations, there is a great trepidation about online dating because it is somewhat misunderstood. All I ask is that you follow the next few simple rules for online dating.
Don't be so damn shy! - A lot of people think that online dating is for shy people. In a way that is true, but, in a more exact way, it is more for people who know what they want. This is a chance to show people who you are. People tend to look at pictures, so put up one or two good ones and one that you feel depicts yourself. The same goes for writing. Be direct while leaving somewhere for conversation to go. Say what you are about and what you are looking for so there aren't any misconceptions. A good rule of thumb is to adjust your profile if you see something from yours popping up in too many other profiles. Remember, it doesn't have to be entirely serious. Try to show your sense of humor and don't talk about your ex.
Explore who you are - While some websites ask a variety of questions to develop a match percentage, not all do. These questions are important in finding someone. Is it important that someone you date likes coffee or are you ok with them not having an opinion on it. Do you want to date someone with or with out kids? Start with simple questions and venture out to the complex.
Searching - or - Beyond the Bullcrap - While not everyone likes to admit it, most people look at the pictures first. This can determine whether or not there is a physical attraction. Lets be honest: If there isn't a physical attraction, there most likely won't be much desire or passion. Beyond pictures, nearly everyprofile is written exactly the same: poorly. People use vague and cliche descriptors to describe themselves like the girl next door or average guy. Even worse, people use vague descriptions for what they want like just a good guy or a girl I can take home. While these phrases describe what they want, they describe more of a concept and not an actual human being. Of course, don't let all of these descriptors fool you. You can still talk to someone if you find them interesting, just try to find common ground and don't get too invested too soon.
Ready, Set, Talk - If you don't write to someone first, who is to say that they should? Take the first step, you have a profile up anyway, may as well follow through. There is some disagreement on how to initiate conversation with someone. Some believe that short "hello" is totally fine while others believe a paragraph or more is more descriptive of intentions. In reality, somewhere in between yields the best results when initiating conversation. A quick hello isn't memorable and a paragraph can be a little oppressive to some especially when it is a marriage proposal as I got in an intro letter, yeesh. Simply say Hi, be honest about something you liked in their profile, ask them a question about it. It is just that simple. The longer letters can come later as you talk more and more. This is your chance to ask them questions to help figure out their personality and criminal history(this can also be found out by looking their name up on your state's closed circuit court website). At some point this can lead to phone calls.
Getting the date - Provided you have kept up with communicating, a first date should be in order. The great question about getting the first date is When do I ask. In all honesty, whenever you feel it is ok. Some people ask by the second week of communicating while others wait up to a few months. Either is fine provided both people feel comfortable and not pressured. Never go with someone that puts you off and never be someone that forces someone into a date.
The First Date - Here is where the true challenge lies. Talking on the phone and writing are an entirely different ball game. As with many first dates there is the standard freak out of trying to dress nice, look good, and planing a memorable date. The only difference between this and other dates is that both of you are frantically trying to remember all you know of each other. That part doesn't matter so much as a having a good time does. Many people go for the standard coffee date to test the waters in person. This is stupid move. The best way to go about it is to attempt a meal, which can allow you two to converse, followed by a fun activity to work off said meal the best date I ever went on involved pizza and laser tag. Rule of thumb: If you aren't having fun, they aren't having fun.
Just Remember: In the end, it will be obvious whether or not the date went well, just don't force more. A forced second date is worse than a crappy first date. Besides, there are other people out there, go write to one of them and focus on what you have in common, not what makes you different.
-Future_Man_3000
P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com
It was 13 years and two days ago today that Phillip J. Fry became frozen in a cryogenic tube. He will not awaken for another 988 years and one day. Until he awakens, we can only hope that we see the same adventure and wonderment in this new year that he experiences when he awakens in the year 3000.
Just Remember: Dr. Samuel Beckett of project Quantum Leap is still lost, few people know where The Doctor is, and nobody really gives a crap about those two idiots who lived in that Lake House.
How it had been explained to me is that I should imagine everything I love and then imagine the difficulty of finding a lover that had all of those traits. I had didn't have to imagine long, I knew how difficult that could be. Then I was instructed to imagine that I had all those things. After a bit of imagining there was this grand sensation of joy. My friends told me that their relationships were like that: they had found all the traits they liked and collected them into the relationship. To be honest, a lot of those couples look happy.
