Resolutions of the New and Auld

With X-Mas essentially over, we are merely a few days away from a new year. Nearly everyone I know has an issue with the potential for a New Year's resolution. What's the point? I will just give up on it in a week anyway. That may be, but the point of a resolution is to discover a way to venture into becoming a new you. A better you, preferably in a way that doesn't involves space-worms. If you want to take steps to being more fun, take up a hobby. Or if you want to exercise your mind, try taking up an instrument.

Many people end up quitting because the change is too hard. It is easy to want to give up when a goal is ridiculously hard. Try something easy. Don't attempt the holophoner as a first instrument and don't attempt rock climbing as your new exercise activity. Start slow and work towards it. If that isn't enough, set mini goals for your resolution over the course of the new year.

Just Remember: Having goals aren't always to completely change you, but to make sure you are getting something more out of life.

-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Merry X-Mas

As we all know, X-Mas is around the corner and that brings a lot of great holiday traditions. One can cut down a tree with their laser axe, decorate with friends, or even carol, but remember that everything, no matter what, must be done before sundown on December 24th. Nobody wants to be stuck outside on Christmas Eve after sundown lest ye be caught by Robot Santa and attacked by Glee Seeking Missiles.

Just Remember: The safest place to be on Christmas Eve is huddling in fear around loved ones inside a building covered in steel grating. Enjoy your holiday.


-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Sir Englsmith of Cornwall

As I write this entry, the first snowflakes of the year are floating down from the sky, marking one age old fact: Summer has been over a while and going out will slow down incredibly. The amount of shirtless joggers has gone from many to none. Short skirts have been replaced by pants. And nights of exciting adventure are more than likely replaced with TV. Don't get me wrong, sitting in front of a screen for a few hours is ok, but definitely draining when done consistently.

What the heck is there to do otherwise?

Simple. Get a group of friends together for a game night. It can be video, card, board, or any other kind of game. I know what you are thinking Oh, God, no! Dungeons and Dragons nerds, ahoy! In truth, board games aren't what they used to be 20 years ago. Back in the 1980s there was a lot of discussion of guys hanging out in basements pretending to be riding unicorns into battle and attempting to talk to girls they couldn't in real life. Being nerdy today, on the other hand, is part of mainstream culture. Today, there is a little more variety in styles of games too. The problem is that people are only aware of a handful of popular games. People know Uno, Old Maid, Magic, Settlers of Catan, or D&D yet they hardly delve into other games like Fluxx, Gloom, Munchkin, or Chez Geek. Sure, it can be odd trying a new game, but have the fun is figuring it out. The rest of it is the play time and introducing it to others. 


Just Remember: It is more acceptable now to play card games. If people mock it, it's because they are too thick to try something new.

-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Memes -or- The Day the Laughter Died

Take an average person and put them on a stage. Anything could happen. They could dance, play a song, or whatever. When it comes to those, people with skill will go on stage and show off what skill they have. When it comes to humor, a comedian generally will be able to tell how well they are doing by how the audience reacts. Dead silence or several "boos" are a good indicator to either quit or work on new material. This is the time that tests a good comedian's steel because he/she can either walk away from it all or work harder. The harder they worked, the more likely one could see them on local venues or TV.Today, anyone with Google access and MS Paint can be funny thanks to the douchebaggery that are Memes.

We get it, you want to "haz cheezburger" and are "Not sure if it is cheese or cheez." Honestly, how many times can someone see an image of Gene Wilder's smirk as he makes some remark. The worst of it is that the majority of these made end up being either inside or poorly written jokes. A lot of these memes are similar to Youtube videos of guys playing video games with voice-overs of their commentary: pointless. Sure, memes seem to save time because they are quick little jokes, but their brevity leads to searching for more, leading up to a great deal of time wasted on reading them.

A good way to slow down the problem of excessive meme growth is to think before you make one. Are you a funny person? Do people generally laugh when you make a joke? Is the joke you are about to make funny for everyone? If you answered no to any of the following questions, don't make a meme. 


Just Remember: All artists grow. If you are attempting to be an artist, try something new. Don't create another meme of Fry being uncertain or Willy Wonka smirking.
 




-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

White Whales and Greener Pastures

There was this person I used to work with long, long ago that was so determined to do the job perfectly that there was no room for socialization. Mind you, I agree that one should put their best effort forward in what ever they do, but the fact remained that we were waiters. We weren't flying planes or performing surgery. At best, we attempted not to be pissed off at people that forgot to tip or attempting not to get into an argument with cantankerous customer. Which may or may not have happened at one point.

Mobius Dick Trademark 20th Century Fox

In all the time I worked there, no matter how much ridiculousness I saw, I noticed that this coworker treated her job as if she were well above her pay grade. She wasn't very personable, but she got her work done. In the end, none of us stayed on. We all left because we either couldn't afford to stay or we no longer felt that the aggravation was worth the pay. When we found ourselves on the other side of having work there, many of us discovered a brighter world. That coworker, on the other hand, did not. She found herself stuck to that place, unable to leave. Keep in mind that working in a place that doesn't make you happy or allow you to grow is not worth time or effort. It will only lead to anger and stagnation.


Just Remember: Look for greener pastures because some White Whales aren't worth the harpoon.





-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

Happy Thanksgiving

The holiday is coming up and it would be good to keep some form of plan in mind. It can be good to go with friends or with family. The food shouldn't matter, nor should many of the circumstances. Simply put, just go and have a good time. Happy Thanksgiving.

Just Remember: Being somewhere with great people is better than being alone in a dumpster.

Wishlisting: The Gifting Dilemma

November, the most insane month of the year. Amidst family gatherings, over indulgence of food, break ups, and football games is what I consider to be the absolute worst time of the year: Black Friday. The day is a menace to retail workers and shoppers alike; however, I find that the problem for shoppers has become more intense than it would have been over ten years ago.

Let me flashback to July.
My friends and I share a mutual acquaintance. This acquaintance is one of those people that is strongly opinionated and self-involved to the point that they can come off as abrasive. After much of her antics that had pushed us all away, she put a post on Facebook that said: "Hey everyone, my birthday is coming up in a month and I'm already excited. So here is a link to my online wishlist."

Looking past the entire issues that arose from this person previously, the true problem lies within the last sentence of the status post. While coloring someone a distinct shade of deserving, the concept of an online wishlist flies right in the face of what we are taught growing up: It's the thought that counts. Sure, we may be a little disappointed if someone goes out and gets us a parrot that ends up being destroyed, but it is good to know that someone cares enough to get a parrot for you.

It is true to say that it is the thought that counts, but having an online wishlist is akin to saying It's the thought that counts...provided that you get me what is on this pre-established list of stuff.

Just Remember: A wishlist is completely unnecessary when one is surrounded by caring people. The ones that love you would know.



-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

The First Wave

A while back I wrote an article about how to meet someone in a bar. It worked for some people while others are left questioning why it didn't work. This entry is for those people who didn't find anyone and are now left saying, "Well, I can't find anyone because everyone is taken already." I have noticed that too and there is good news for you. HUMANS ARE PATTERN-CENTRIC! Think about it. Every June, August, and December have high gas prices because people are traveling more. Or how everyone decides to do something crazy during summer after having spent several months cooped up indoors. Relationships are strikingly similar.

Take the average single person. He or she, having been stuck inside all winter, wants to go out and have fun, possibly meet people. Let's claim that our average person has met someone and is dating. They go through the rest of summer feeling energized by this new found glory until about September when things slow down and start to lean a bit towards serious. As the weather gets colder, couples, like bird, begin to nest and find out how much they really want to destroy one another...or not. Of course both Sweetest Day and Halloween prolong the relationship, but by no means necessarily save it because the potential of Thanksgiving can kill it.

It will start off small, perhaps a disagreement about which movie is better, and it will escalate into either a series of growing fights or one full-out relationship-ending fight. Now you may be asking why would such a positive holiday kill a relationship? While Sweetest Day allows one to pick up for misgivings and Halloween allows for couples to have fun as a couple, Thanksgiving represents a couple getting serious. It isn't so much the holiday as it is bringing this person home to show off to the rest of the family that can make someone uneasy. There are other times this situation happens in the year and I will document them as well, but for now, this is The First Wave.

Just Remember: It's not the end of the world just yet...that's in December. Also, there are other people that are going to be single now too so you will both have something in common to talk about.

Happy Halloween

 

Happy Halloween, everyone! Remember, when going out, try to go as a group because not only will you look awesome, but people are more apt to understand you when you go out with a finglonger. 

Just Remember: One anime character with a a series of non-anime characters sticks out...seriously.

New Friends: The 80's Connection

There are tons of ways people become friends: work, class, mutual friends, etc. Each way, in the simplest form, involves two people seeing each other with a certain frequency, a bridge (the bridge being something in common to open yourselves up to meeting), and allowing growth between yourselves. The bridge can range from anything from going to the same high school to minimal as liking the same song, but what happens when the two people involved focus the two steps that don't involve growth of the relationship between them? In short, you get a "friend" that will kick you in the ribs for $50.

Trademark Twentieth Century Fox

A question that should stick out at about this time is How can a friendship like this continue?

Like that a family member that goes on a diet and decides to force everyone else into as well, someone is more invested than the other. It can be scruples or how they were raised, but the one that is more invested cares for the other person. Some people during this point in perform a cost/benefit analysis of the friendship. Why should I stay friends with this person vs. Why should I stop being friends with this person. Many people do this and it is normal, but to give into demands always is foolish. If nothing changes or gets better then it must end.

Just Remember: If the other person ends up being a total schmuck, using you for your time, and the friendship has to end, it's ok. They still can't take away the good times you had together.

-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Mutants V. Normals

Recently I was on a walk in a store where I saw this older woman, not quite to the stage of being called a senior citizen, and she was looking at a coloring book with what I can only assume were her grandchildren. The young ones, looking roughly kindergarten age, were paging through coloring books and the woman was asking them point blank questions about what colors things would be in the book. Of course, I am listening to this all go down.  What color is the fire truck? Red.  What color is the fireman's jacket? Black.

The Sewer Mutants

The line of questioning seems the standard sort of thing for kids of that age group...up until the last question. What color is the fireman's skin? Knee jerk reaction, my head snaps in the direction of what is going on. The kids are hesitant to answer. It could be because they don't know enough color names, or because they know too many color names, or because they realize how ridiculous it is to ask that question. My money is on the last one. One of the kids then responds Pink. The woman agrees and then offers "peach" as an alternative color. Of course I am thinking What the hell is wrong with this woman?

Sure, we could blame it on her age, claiming that she is old and doesn't know any better or she is incapable of change. That isn't good enough considering how she lived through several decades of social change in this country. At some point she must have heard on TV, in a class, or on the radio about some of it and seen the positive effects of equality in her lifetime.

Just Remember: As one in over six billion people on this planet, it is silly to assume that one group is the standard gauge for the whole even if we are part of that group.

Trademark 20th Century Fox

-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

To Not-Do or To Don't-Not-Do

Lately I have been hearing people throw around the phrase It's all part of a greater plan an awful lot. I normally don't have issue with religion, but something about those words grouped together bothers the hell out of me. The people that tend to say it aren't focused on the Chaos Theory, they are focused on fate imposed by a higher being that has made some amazingly complex plan that we could never understand it. I have heard a story similar to this, it is called Doctor Who. He looks human, but is a time lord that can see what actions effect the future and in what way. Of course he doesn't tell people, he just puts them in situations where they realize they can take care of business on their own.

Even in the case of that beloved character, it is still maddening. Think of it. You are told to go make toast despite hating it. There wouldn't ever be a reason aside from this person indicating that it should be done at this point in time. Anyone could easily follow it, but a good question to ask is Why. 

They won't say that it is all part of the plan, they shouldn't at least. Instead, they could lie or be honest and give a brief reason. To assume that we should blindly follow some unknown plan is questionable because then a higher being, unlike the Doctor at this point, are forever prisoner to this "grand plan."

Just Remember: We are free and inhabit a world were amazing things come in both large and small sizes. The only downside is we have one shot at all this. Let us own up to what we do and/or don't, not hold ourselves back because someone else may want us to.


-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

The Rise and Fall of Hypnotoad

It's fall and that means a bevy of things. Kids are out of our cool hangout spots and back in school. The number of available people for a "summer fling" has dwindled to nearly nothing but people on dating websites (I will write about that topic soon, I promise). And, most importantly, the fall line up has begun for the majority of shows.

For a lot of us, we our devoted to our shows. We know that Thursday night will be great because our three favorite shows will be on Channel X or that certain nights totally suck because the only thing on is American Idol. Don't act like that statement isn't true, that show takes up more time than the Olympics. I know for a fact my Saturday nights have been devoted to catching Doctor Who and my Thursdays have been devoted to Community, but this season has me worried. The Doctor has had only four episodes on and so far only one was good...the second two were dull and I fell asleep during the one last night.  Community hasn't started yet, but the director (original creator) has been replaced by some guy that has a terrible show with poor humor.

All hail the Hypnotoad!

Shows get cancelled all the time. There have been countless shows I have loved that were taken off the air and replaced with "stellar" shows like So You Think You Can Dance. Sure, it may take time to find new shows we can count on, but half the fun is the hunt. If that isn't enough for you, we can sure as hell enjoy the good memories when the cancelled shows we love come out on DVD.



Just Remember: We can always look back to shows that have made comebacks. Doctor Who was cancelled for several years before it returned. Same with Futurama. Sometimes it may take others a bit longer to realize how great something is.



-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Personal Growth and Time Travel

A lot of us, whether we love time travel or not, have uttered the phrase, "If only I could go back and time and tell myself..." You can fill in that blank spot with whatever you like (knowledge about soon-to-be exes, knowledge and who you could have made a potential ex, winning lotto numbers, etc.). This idea shakes some of us to our very core and has become the premise for some of the greatest movies/TV shows. A lot of these movies and shows avoid this simple idea by claiming the world will end if the time traveler where ever to meet a future or past version of his/herself.

Since we don't know much about time travel, lets assume that there is a possibility that the world-exploding-when-meeting-yourself situation doesn't actually happen. Now take an average scenario that everyone wishes they could change, something like asking out the person you had a crush on when you in high school (having found out sometime later that they had a crush on you too). There are a few possible scenarios as to what could happen:

• Nothing (The Grandfather Paradox) - Nothing would have changed at all. Your life would basically follow the same course of events. This can lead to being massively unfulfilled.  

• Minor Change - There might be some change, but it would be hardly noticeable. There would be question if the trip was actually real. While this might somewhat unsettling, it may be uplifting.  

• Major Change - You would wake up and everything around you would look entirely different. Your wife would be someone else, your kids would be different, you might have a turtle instead of a bird. The massive downside to this would be an entirely different set of facts to have to relearn and memorize. If your old significant other was pissy that you never remembered an anniversary, think how shitty the new one will be if you hadn't ever forgotten one before. This is similar to the end of Back to the Future. 

Now those potential outcomes are all well and good, but now lets think of the actual meeting. Let us look at ourselves now and then reflect on how we were back then. By nearly any account one, whether it is past or present, is better than the other. Would your younger self actually listen or be a punk? Would/Could you stand talking to your younger self? This is what would make changing one's own timeline a pain in the butt.



Just Remember: If you aren't happy with how your life is now, change it now. Don't focus on how something several years ago may have impacted your current mood.


-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

The Golden Bottlecap

There is this grocery store that I normally go to that has some sort of contest every year, sometimes two. Earlier in the year they had football "tickets" and the idea was that if you bought certain things you would get those "tickets." the tickets were scratch off and if you won the scratch off, you earned the coupon on the bottom. I'm still unsure why that was the case, I cheated and used the bottom every time. It's not like it mattered at all since the coupons were for food that I would never buy. I mean honestly, who wants to get a pizza with no flavor and the consistency of cardboard? Anyway, after that time I told myself that I wouldn't join in on the grocery contests.

They just had another one and it is one of those standard Monopoly board game based contests, which are even worse. Here are game pieces for buying food. The game pieces come with coupons so you can buy more food to get more game pieces. Essentially, it's a vicious cycle because someone could buy a couple hundred bucks worth of food and still fall short of having enough coupons to win a $10 gift certificate to the same store.



So after each of these contests, and we still haven't won anything, we ask ourselves Why do we participate if we know it's a ploy? The answer is simple enough: The American Dream. We want to have more than we have right now. It doesn't matter if it's the form of that house in the suburbs or a gift card that allows us to pay for groceries for the next two months, we want it. Some view it as our addiction to materialism, but sometimes it's more than that. Sometimes it's freedom to be able to do more than what we can at the moment. I'm not saying that buying a Ducati simply to get women is akin to winning a large sum of cash to continue living. The two are similar in being the American Dream, but to different ends.

Just Remember:Winning would be amazing, but those are some pretty long odds in this situation. Be realistic and put the six bags of pizza rolls back.




-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Victories in Gaming

 Sometime ago, all my friends kept going on and on about this game called Minecraft, a sandbox game where you can build practically anything from nothing. I decided to give it a try and have been a little hooked on it for a few months now; however, I only play the free version. When I'm feeling bored or have a need to build something silly, I go to a specific server and do so. Earlier today I went into a favorite server of mine and built a sphinx on top of an exposed underground cavern filled with water. It was rather impressive, though I am super bias. After finishing that, I decided to make a giant sign next to it that would read "THE PHARAOH'S POOL" except that every time I got even halfway through building it this guy would come and destroy the sign.

I get that it is a game and that people can troll whenever they want, but I try not to be a troll. That's rule number one for me in gaming. I simply rebuilt in response to the destruction. The troll returned and destroyed the sign along with part of the sphinx. Using what I learned in elementary school, I walked way. I trekked half of the desert map before returning, rebuilding once doing so. The troll returned before I even was halfway through repairing the damage. I got so pissed I tried finding an admin to get rid of him, but none were around. Again, I traversed the map to be rid of this troll. When I returned I found he was gone again, leaving my home in shambles.

Now I tend to follow the NO-TROLLING rule as closely as possible, but at this point I threw it out the window. I looked up a method on how to transport my character to where the troll was tore his rather intricate house apart. As I ran off into landscape while cheering, I realized that I broke my only rule and how I felt like a jerk afterward. Sometimes we have problems in our lives where we have to deal with annoyingly aggressive people, but we have to push through them.



Just Remember: Sometimes we lose our cool, but we have to reign it in and try to stick to our self-imposed rules.




-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

Leaving Your Mark

A dear friend of mine told me a while back that his greatest fear is not being remembered. I find this is interesting because neither of us are famous or super amazing to the point that we could be famous so his logic makes sense. Let us look at the facts: I'm a writer that may or may not be doomed to obscurity if I'm not interesting enough and my friend works in a store. I agree that we probably won't be C.S. Lewis, John Belushi, or Nikola Tesla. This is normally where people go along saying crap like you will be remembered through your family and friends or something like that. That statement is good and all, but think of the flip side of it. If either of us were to become famous then people would try to find something wrong with us if we were living or dead.

John Belushi was a great actor and comedian, but there was an equal focus on his addictions. Nikola Tesla was an absolute genius, but people also focused on his craziness. Even in his life time, Edison tried to discredit Tesla for having major issues with minor things A lot of the things we use today were created by Tesla and we still talk about his faults. C.S. Lewis (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson) gave the world the wonderful tale of Alice in Wonderland, but anytime I talk about him with colleagues I find that they only focus on Lewis's pedophilia. 


It seems there are a few ways to be famous while not having people focus on your faults:

A Pharaoh to Remember

-The Weird Al Method - Be an amazing person that never does anything wrong and is famous. (Of course, the freaking impossible way.)
-The Bjork/Gaga/Minaj Method - Be amazingly crazy in the name of art.
-The Robert Downy Jr. Method - Own up to your faults. Admitting the problem and pushing past it is a great way too.
-The Question Method - Do something great and sever any connection to it.
-The Bender Method - Enslave a bunch of people and force them to build an outrageously large monument to yourself.



Just Remember: Being remembered isn't all it's cracked up to be. People either remember everything or interpret what they don't understand.





-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

Roll Out The Poll

It's that time of year again where we see signs and commercials telling us to vote in the upcoming election for either Tastycrat Jack Johnson or Fingerlician John Jackson. Then we are bombarded by their arguments on whose three-cent titanium tax goes too far or doesn't go too far enough. In addition to these two main opponents there are a variety of groups ranging from the Green Party to the Brain Slug Party. The Voter Apathy Party to the AntiSocialists. And the National Ray-Gun Association to the Dudes For The Legalization For Hemp.



Politics are funny. Politicians are people like you and I, but with two key differences: 1)We get to choose if they sound smart or not, and 2) They make us want to annoy the crap out of everyone else. This can vary from religious views to personal views and anywhere in between. One rather hilarious thing that comedians and politicians have in common is that they share their point of view on everything and it definitely influences what we think of them. We always hope for the best, but there are slip-ups. Maybe not as bad as Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina, but still pretty bad.


The second problem, overly discussing our favorite politicians, is a lot like LolCatz and memes now in the sense that we keep throwing them out there long after the point is lost. Sure, it's funny to Haz Cheezburgers, but it is kind of a boner-killer when your lover goes up to you asks to Haz hawt sexy tyme right meow...trust me, I know. I'm glad that there is someone up there saying how they have opinions even if they are ones I don't agree with. The point is that we don't have to all reiterate them to everyone else to prove how right or wrong that person is. Our freedom of speech can sometimes lead to hysteria of ridiculous proportions. If you don't believe me, try listening to a people chatting in a game of Warcraft sometime.


Just Remember: It's cool to have opinions, but be realistic that other people have them too. You can discuss them, but you may not change them and there is no reason to get upset about.



-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

Proposition Nothing Offensive

This blog entry is going to reference a touchy subject: gay marriage. I wanted to broach the topic with the same lighthearted humor as John Stewart or Matt Groening, but that has been done. Then I was unsure of weather to tackle this topic from a religious, political, logical, economical, or historical stand point. In the end, I discovered that no matter what direction I come from there is no true problem with gay marriage. Also, I decided to indicate so from each stand point.

Louis Armstrong

Historical - Homosexuals have been frowned upon for ages, the most famous of which is war hero and inventor Alan Turing (I'm not kidding, look it up). There were other silly concepts in the past such as a law banning whites and non-whites from marrying, let alone holding hands. Time passed and then people started to realize there were other people in the world to hate.

Religious - While certain religions may see homosexual behavior as sinful, they also used to deem writing left-handed, women riding bikes in the standard fashion, listening to jazz music, marrying outside of one's own race, listening to The Beatles, and watching Star Wars to be sinful too. All of those things seem to be ok now...unless it's Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, that's never ok to watch.

Political -The US was founded on the concept of freedom, destroying the concept of a theocracy, meaning we we don't follow the rules of one religion, we make our own. Therefore there must be a divide between church and state. This may be difficult for some people to deal with as people who practice religion make up the state (if you are one of these people, please read on to the Logical section). Even ghosts and horses are allowed to marry in the future.

Economical - In terms of money, our country is hurting right now and many are looking for ways to get that cash flowing. Wait a minute, don't marriage licenses and weddings cost money? Would that actually work? That's a crazy idea! How about we just have Michael Bay make another Transformers movie.

"Proposition Infinity"

Logical - All humans want happiness, we are allowed the pursuit of it in the constitution, so why should we mandate who is and who isn't allowed to have it? If your neighbor listens to polka music, you don't call him/her a freak and try to impose a new music genre on them. Instead, you ignore it and turn your radio up louder. If your neighbor is gay, you don't have to be there all the time. Go home and do your own thing (If you use that music metaphor to mean "have sex louder than your neighbor" that is up to you and none of my concern).

Just Remember: Actor Johnny Galecki, when responding to rumors about being homosexual, was quoted as saying, "I didn't feel the need to clarify them because I didn't see it as anything offensive."



-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

Self-Reporting

I remember there used to be a time when someone saw something crazy at a party or in public and they would tell everyone about it. That was a simple time. Dispelling a rumor was as simple as saying, "I was at home." Even still, nobody really needed to know what we were doing back then unless we decided to brag about how great our lives are. Of course, if we wanted to show proof, we could show pictures we had printed up or video we took. Life was so difficult because we had to have forethought on what we had to take with us and we were out of luck when a need that was unprepared for arose. Then someone realized how clunky all that stuff was so we put it all in a phone.

That's right. Life changed as soon as cell phones became more efficient. The idea was to have a device that helps us organize our lives, but it is funny to think a device can do it alone. Now I can get into how they can't, but I will do that in a different post. This post is more to focus on one of the uses of cell phones: self-reporting. Not just for Twitter or Facebook, but also Four Square and You Tube.


A lot of people have to read 1984 or Fahrenheit 451 in high school, both of which are books that depict government as this Big Brother, fascist-thing. Those books had a lot of depth to them, but they were also interesting due to public perception that the government had too much control. There was question as to why a we were being watched in a free nation. The new problem is now we have a way to show how fabulous we are that everyone knows our exact movements and dealings.




The main issue I see is that we no longer worry about the negatives. Sure some of these things can be fun to post, but the use of Four Square and Facebook has made stalking an even easier task than it was back before the two programs existed...back when you only needed binoculars and a car. Sure, there is the positive that it helps with an alibi should one ever need to go to court, but is that reason enough? It has even been postulated that people running for president in a few years have already put up a great deal of their personal info now.

Just Remember: Before you put up that picture of you licking your friend's face or talking crap about your co-workers, remember that it will still be up long after you forget about it. Is that how you want to be known?





-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

Fun At Work

Zap and Kif

You've come to your job and there is an annoying person chirping about you, talking about things they deem important and hilarious. Then you realize that this is your job and it isn't as fun as life before.

The question becomes How do I deal with this horrible dilemma?

While there are a number of books that deal with this very dilemma, my advice is to have fun with it. Some people confuse fun with being a screw off. Those are not the same thing at all. An example of each to take place in which you walk into an elevator. Bear in mind that people normally walk in, turn around, push a button, and wait for the door to open on their floor.

• You walk in, push your button, but don't turn around. Continue facing everyone silently with your back to the door. Proceed to leave when the door opens.
• You run into the elevator, pointing at everyone, insisting that they are hamsters, before hitting all the buttons and running out.

Both of these examples seem strikingly similar, there is a difference. The first of those examples is a good example because it is formal, subtle, and doesn't require much energy. It also hinges on the psychology of the human mind that can't handle people breaching standard social conventions. The second example is awful because there is no charm or brilliance to it. It hinges on childish notions of weird that verge on insanity. In short, use tact. As for real world application, people are less likely to track down a quiet person than someone that acts like an idiot.

 Now you may be thinking to yourself That didn't help me out. What are some real-world examples that work and can help me out? Well allow the following three examples to help you out.

• Someone decides to discuss their favorite musician. They will more than likely say a current popular musician. This is your chance to discuss how amazing an outdated band/musician is. A few good example musicians that are skilled, but few people would actually admit to liking would be Meatloaf, Hall & Oates, Huey Lewis & The News, Nickelback, and Barry Manilow. It can also help your argument if you can quote a popular song by the musician you name. Squares know it's hip to be prepared.
•  Randomly reply to your boss in popular hip-hop lyrics or slang. A good example for this would be if your boss gives you a long list of goals to accomplish and finishes it up by saying, "Lets hit it!" You would immediately, and very seriously, ask, "Once we hit it, can we then choose to quit it?"
• Obscure history. Memorize one famous person or fact for the sheer purpose of name dropping them after randomly saying, "Doesn't anyone remember ...... ?" Of course, you may be asked about what that person did that made you think that. Choose wisely and not someone known predominantly for something bad because someone may know who that person or what that event was after all.

Just Remember: Your coworkers are like you. They have lives outside of work that they want to get back to. You are not all that different.


-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

The Poppler Dilemma

"The Problem With Popplers"

I normally don't care for break rooms. Generally, they are windowless, dirty, & uncomfortable rooms that give way to coworkers with myopic viewpoints that I tend to tune out. A few months ago, I was eating lunch in this break room when four women, ranging from early-30s to mid-40s, came in and immediately took seat at a table away from me, which is understandable as I didn't know them. Soon enough they began to discuss the quirks of life that disappointed them, starting off with the body scanners at the airport and how the TSA agents shouldn't pat these women down because they aren't terrorists. They then concluded that dogs should be used instead of body scanners as they are a lot less invasive. Both of the statements made me chuckle to myself due to the sheer stupidity of them.

It was at this point they continued munching on their salads while discussing "the benefits of vegetarianism," one of which claimed she had to be vegetarian. They continued onward about how Richard Geer wrote a book about the very same topic and talking about the "a-ha moment" for famous people. This came around to the topic of how livestock out at pasture care for their young as humans care for their progeny, by enlisting a babysitter. The entire conversation went on for sometime with minor jabs inserted, berating those "too stupid" to fall in line with their world view. One simplistically stated how the wold would be far better if everyone were vegetarian.

Adorable, yes, but I would still eat it.

As I looked down at my ham sandwich, one thought clearly passed through my head: That is total bullshit! Animals eat other animals and if they don't, they eat things with living cells on them. Genetically speaking, all lions are carnivores and, as such, need to eat meat. Omnivores can eat both plants and meat and we, as humans, are omnivores, not solely herbivores (those that eat only plants). It seems that becoming vegetarian is the new diet fad. Of course there are protein alternatives to meat like beans, nuts, and legumes; however, many people don't employ the alternatives and end up having to take various pills to replace what they aren't gaining nutritionally. These people end up having to stop the vegetarian lifestyle as per doctor's request.

I may sound like I'm bashing vegetarians, but, in truth, I'm declaring two points: 1) know how to eat/be healthy, and 2) don't push your health-habit-theories/how-to-save-the-world-ideas on others.

Just Remember: According to science, all edible items contain living cells at one point or another. To say eating meat is murder by using the it-is-from-a-living-creature argument is a fallacy because all items on this planet are made up of living cells or have bacteria living on them. This means that any form of nutrition is murder to some degree. (See the Life Cycle)

At Least You Aren't Alone Like ZOIDBERG!!!

"Why Must I Be A Crustacean In Love?"

The summer is an interesting time: it's hot, emotions run high, necklines run low, and all this makes one realize how long it has been since they had dated someone. We are about, if not a little more than, halfway through the summer and a lot of people are already dating, married, or--as Dylan Moran put it--in the throws of the "Summer Girl" phase. People have seen this before in the movie Grease, but didn't recognize it because 1) it was behind the entire masks-that-people-put-on-to-please-others thing, and 2) it was a musical. Sure, those who watched Grease, as well as the link above, will think something along the lines of Guys are disgusting for debasing women emotionally this way. How dare they! While that is a very good point, one has to remember that women can-do or have-done it too. Bearing those thoughts in mind, a new question arises: Where can I meet someone?

You can meet someone at a bar, a wedding, or through any open forum. I didn't write online because that is an entirely different entity that I will touch on in a different post. Meeting someone in person has a few specific rules to adhere to:

The downside of having a wing man (See Step 4).

1.  Dress the Part - A lot of people say Be yourself and that is true, but there is a less likely chance that the opposing sex is going to take you seriously if you are sporting a Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt or kitten sweater. Simply put, dress like yourself, but a little nicer. If you dress predominantly in jeans, trade up your sneakers for some nicer shoes (loafers or heels). Perhaps add a button up on top of your t-shirt and some retro glow bands, but only ironically. It should go without saying that you should dress appropriately for special occasions such as weddings.
2. Don't Go With Intentions - This is similar to the common expression "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." If you go out with grand ideas of how you will sweep someone off their feet by buying them a fish sandwich, there will be a certain sense of disappointment when you go home alone with a large pizza. Go to have a good time and leave if you aren't having one. If nothing is happening, you may end up trying too hard and people can see that.
3. Find a Good Place - Remember, going without intentions means you are more likely to have fun at a place you actually find fun rather than a place that is loaded with women. This will help you focus on Step 2. Again, leave if you aren't having fun. This step also focuses on positioning. There are more likely to be people bellied up at the bar if you're in a pub. Yes, people will go to the exit and/or bathroom, but don't be creepy.
4. Wing Person vs. Wing Man - Sure, you can have a wing man. It is a lot less creepier for a few friends to be hanging out than one person alone, but keep in mind that you and a buddy may be looking for the same thing. If you are looking for someone of the opposing gender, who would understand them better than someone the same gender they are? Not only that, but for some weird, psychological reason people like to hit on people in relationships, either because they are happy or because there is a carnal need to destroy a relationship. I go with the second one. So there is a slightly larger chance that you will meet someone in this case.
5. Communication - Anyone can buy someone a drink at a bar...unless they are broke. Not everyone will listen to a person in a bar. Simple communication can go a long way and can be about anything. There are simple rules to this too: Don't talk about work, don't talk about yourself too much, listen to them, and forget what gender they are (this is a reference to Step 2). Remember to watch for certain body language, they are more likely to be interested the more they initiate body contact and less interested the more they cringe and whip out their mace. I've spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder and mace.
6. Continuing the Good Times - If the body language is positive it is usually alright to either invite them over for some food or get their number. It doesn't matter if this doesn't happen because, remember Step 2, you didn't have any intentions that you would get anything. Besides, look at the bright side, you didn't get maced. How many people can say that? 

Just Remember: If you go home alone with a large pizza, remember that you aren't alone like Zoidberg...he can't afford a pizza.

 -Future_Man_3000

P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

Me & My Doppelganger

 You look at yourself in the mirror and notice features about you that make a unique being...or do you? There are only so many features available to humans that make us each "unique." With that in mind, it is obvious that at least two of the 6.89 billion people on this planet look alike. Some of the people on this planet even look like their pets, yet it is still a shock to the system whenever we see someone that looks like our long lost twin.

I realize it is a jarring effect, but don't worry. They are people...mostly, like you. I have run into two of my doppelgangers already--Egyptian Me and Lesbian Me--and let me tell you that they were rather interesting, especially Lesbian Me.

Silly individuals of the past would have shunned their twins or worse, but here are a few rules on how to meet your doppelganger.

1. Let it happen - Much like a solar eclipse or a fist fight at a wedding you can't force meeting your doppelganger. Trying to find a friend to dress up like you is just plain silly and time traveling to meet a younger version of yourself doesn't count. The meeting has to be a natural and organic or how else are you going to explain it when you show up on their doorstep?
2. Be calm - Like with wild animals, if you're scared, they will be scared. Just pretend that you are Steve Irwin in the wild examining a crafty animal that isn't a sting ray. (...too soon?)
3. Get to know them - This is an important step in the process. In every twin meeting movie (basically every Olson Twins movie and The Parent Trap) it is good to know about your doppelganger for the purposes of trading places with them and or other nefarious deeds (see steps 5 and 6).
4. Win their trust - This step can vary. It can be as simple as talking to them or becoming their friend. Gaining trust may take a little time, but it will be extremely useful for any fun practical jokes and or nefarious deeds (again, see steps 5 and 6).
5. Pin your screw ups and/or crimes on them - Before cameras were installed in almost every workplace, it was simple to place blame for your mistakes on the new guy. That task has become a little more difficult since the untrusting boss came across the cheap camera system. Normally that would matter, but now you have someone that looks just like you that you can blame. Goody!
6. Attempt to steal their significant other - Now that your doppelganger may or may not be unemployed and/or in jail, you may feel free to attempt to squeeze into their place for their personal relationship. It may be hard at first, but in time their significant other may grow to like the real you. Just keep in mind to make that happen before your doppelganger gets out of prison, there is a time limit.

Just Remember: Doppelgangers can do this to you as well, so make your attempt first or have a shitty life that they don't want to steal.

-Future_Man_3000

P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com 

So I'm a Delivery Boy?

The economy had a massive downturn in 2012. Some blamed it on national output while others blamed it on politicians. The poor blamed the wealthy. The wealthy blamed the poor. The middle class went out for a smoke because they only had five minute left on their break. As for me, I blame Andy. He knows what he did. That smug bastard.



Normally this would effect mainly college graduates, but it seems to be effecting everyone. Are you a recent college graduate attempting to reach for your dream job, but not finding any luck? Or are you someone that just lost their job because their company is "restructuring"? Hey, it's ok. It's never a shame to do something else while you are trying to get to where you want. Einstein was a patent clerk until he made major discoveries, Hemingway was a journalist when he was between books, and Richard M. Nixon was President of the United States before he became President of Earth in 3001.

Yes, it is scary and freaking annoying to get a new job, but who knows? Maybe you will get some funny stories out of it. I had to work at a stupid hotel for a while, but I gained tons of funny stories from that...like the time the horrible wedding guest head-butted a table. Heck, if Kevin Smith can write/direct/produce a movie about working in a convenient store, I'm sure that almost any job can be entertaining to some degree. You don't have to stay there forever, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do until things get better.


Just remember: The only failure would be to give up on your dreams all together.


-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Happy Freedom Day Everyone!

Happy Freedom Day everyone. Today is a day where can all gather round and do what ever we want to express ourselves because we are free. It doesn't matter, it's Freedom Day! Yes, we have so much freedom it's almost sickening. Go ahead, gather your closest friends and have a nice relaxing dip in the freedom tub. Follow it up with attending the Freedom Day Parade.

"Our planet has been through so much this past year--wars, droughts, impeachments--but we've never lost our sense of what's truly important: the great taste of Charleston Chew."- President of Earth, Richard Milhouse Nixon, Freedom Day 3003



  -Future_Man_3000



 P.S.- DON'T EAT THE EARTHICAN FLAG! That's the only party foul of Freedom Day.

Gleesh: The YOLO Epidemic

Recently there has been an epidemic worse than any zombie outbreak. I'm talking, of course, about the terrible over-use of the term YOLO. Many have heard it used and, usually, out of context, like so-many pop songs on the radio.

It is getting old.

Some of you may be asking Why can't they just say "carpe diem" or "seize the day"? Or even "Oh Captain, my captain"? What the hell is their deal? I've asked a few people that say it why they say it. The answer I got was It feels like something you yell on top of a mountain.


Well, spluh!

According to history, the 1920s were rife with slang that died off--probably unable to spread due to all the mobster deaths--only to be reborn again in the year 2020, killing off YOLO. Unfortunately, with the rising popularity of pocket watches, vests, and fedoras in the early 2000s, suspenders gained popularity in the early 2020s, thus signaling the Suspenders Wars. People were treated differently based on what held their pants up: belt or suspender.

 Those were dark times.  


Just remember: Hardly anyone says that something is fly or tight anymore and it has been a long time since I have heard anyone say that they are Livin' la vida loca.
People will stop saying YOLO soon enough and everything will be Jake.


-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Good News, Everyone!

Welcome to the World of Tomorrow! Sure, there are many ways of which you could have arrived to the future: waiting, time traveling, or even cryogenic freezing. From the perspective of people who lived in the early 1900s, the new millennium must have seemed such a strange and fascinating time.

A time of hope and promise.

                                          A time of jet packs and shiny metallic clothing.

                                                                                                               A time of wisdom.

Now, in the year 2012, we can safely look back on the theories writers and crackpots had about the year 2000 and comfortably laugh at their silly notions of Utopia/Dystopia  as we fight over important matters...like who is better: Lady Gaga or Nikki Minaj?

Clearly 2012 is filled with some interesting new wisdom, but what if we could look at the present from the wisdom of the distant future, say the year 3000?

What's that you say? Timmy just crushed your only flux capacitor with his model TARDIS?


That certainly sucks, but let us use a different window into the future. I'm talking about the wisdom laid before us from the brilliance of Futurama. Using ingenious quotes from the this hit show, this blog will help us understand and attempt to get through life's daily foibles.

I hope you enjoy it.


-Future_Man_3000