Back to the Past

Having failed to utterly destroy Taylor Swift and then getting locked in a club bathroom kind of wore on me. I needed to do something completely successful and amazing. I went back to the 1980s to the set of Back to the Future so I could steal the DeLorean from the set, but then it occurred to me, if I steal the main prop from that movie then the movie might not get made. Sad, I stayed a while to see the actors act. Then the director, Robert Zimeckis, came over to me and asked what I was doing on set. I could see from the glimmer in his eye that he wanted me in the film...at least until he had the police handcuff me and put me in their cruiser.

I couldn't escape with the time code as it was in my back pocket and couldn't easily read it. I ended up getting taken in for trespassing. The cops took everything from my pockets, including the time code. When they saw it they asked why I had a sheet of a bunch of numbers. I had them read the numbers on it for me. As the time code appeared, I grabbed my things and shoved an officer out of the way, jumping in and traveling several years into the future, ending up on the set of Back to the Future III. I got in the DeLorean and rode off into the time sphere. Apparently, the time sphere isn't car friendly so only me and half of the DeLorean made it back to the future.

Just Remember: I HAVE THE FLUX CAPACITOR, BITCHES!

Paradiso Lost

After having failed to halt the existence of the wretched Taylor Swift, I decided to return to the future and join in on a past time that I have not done in basically ever: night clubbing. Actually, it didn't start like that at all. It actually started with me walking downtown and finding this bar called Level 42, a bar geared toward every gamer nerd out there. There are game-themed drinks, recliner chairs,  and game systems. They have everything...except for food. I ended up leaving and going to Paradiso Pizza on the block kitty corner from the bar. For a pizza place with such a classy name, it has some really strange decor: all white floors, all white brick walls, and murals of anime girls.

As I dined on pizza, I chatted up the bartender and discovered that there were two additional floors above the pizza parlor that were a night club. He even took my name to put on a list so I could get in for free later. Seeing as the club wasn't supposed to start hopping until midnight or so, I went back to Level 42 to kill some time. Level 42 ended up being pretty cool, but having overstayed my welcome on the game systems, I made back for Pardiso Pizza a little earlier than intended. I walked up to the second floor. The floor was a solid, plastic white matte. Neon lights, the only thing to give life to the bland decor. There were solid, white plastic cylinders as tables or potentially chairs...it was kind of hard to say. Also, there was a large white plastic couch at one end of the room complete with one female waitress that looked tired of the club scene.

I snuck up to the third floor. This level seemed a little more incredible than the previous. There were couches in the shape of clouds (cool to look at, but incredibly difficult to get comfortable on). There was a floating island of a bar, all white as you may have guessed, with small digital televisions hanging down from the ceiling all around the bar. The shadow of a woman gyrated a dance in a fashion that could be considered surreal art or hip by some, it just confused me. Unlike the floor below though, the third floor was entirely empty. Having some privacy, I jumped into a bathroom. The bathroom, from what I can surmise, would have been all white had it not been illuminated in a blue light. Before I continue I want to say that I am no architect, just a person. So I finish my business in the bathroom, I unlock the door, and then I reach for the handle...the handle that isn't there. That's right, a bathroom was created without a door handle. I tried everything I could find (my shirt, my belt, bunched up paper towel) underneath the lock so I could use it as a handle, but to no use. I pounded on the door, but nobody could hear my above the music or from a floor below.  In the end I had to use the time code to activate the Time Sphere and leave.

Just Remember: Night clubs kind of suck and can suck more if you don't take a friend along...mainly because they can kick open a bathroom door that has no handle. Also, if you visit a club downtown above a pizza parlor that has a locked men's room...that was me. Good luck getting it open.

Attempting to Right a Wrong

All of time and space at my finger tips. The question becomes What do I do first? I could go back and try to get together with a lost love. I could go back and see the best concerts or meet the greatest people of all time. Instead, I chose to do something rather heroic: I went back in time to meet Taylor Swift's parents...so I could prevent her from being born.

For a while, her parents could only focus on this whole time-travel-orb thing...mostly because it isn't kosher to walk out of a time sphere ass naked. But, when they finally got settled in and I got my clothes back on and they were willing to listen to me, they were focused on how much money their daughter would make. I took a moment to play them one of the albums their daughter would record which I stole before I left. While her mother loved it, her father decided to drink heavily. If that didn't stop it, alcohol poisoning sure would.

Jumping back into the Time Sphere, I rode a few years into the future. It would seem nothing changed. The monster was still born and it cooed horrible tunes from its wretched sound hole. I saved no one from her future wretchedness.

I wanted nothing good or her. Not success. Not glory. Not happiness. It was then I realized that her music was all about how she wasn't happy with men and I decided create the perfect man for her, one that wouldn't hurt her, leading to her creating shitty music. I rode the Time Sphere head long into the future, compiling an automaton from various pieces of tech. The Mechanical Man was perfect in every way except for that it was too realistic.  When I sent him back he would go on to disappoint her over and over again until, well, I guess what I'm saying is...I created Taylor Swift.

Sorry guys.

Just Remember: We can't always get what we want. Again, I'm terribly sorry.

Walternates and Fauxlivias

In an alternate dimension, everything could be different based off of slight changes, perhaps anything determined by coin flips ended up the other way. That sounds like an interesting chance...too interesting not to pass up. I have recently come in contact with a bit of code that will allow me to jump around time to any point I wish. There is a chance to right previous mistakes, undo the past, steal anything I ever wanted. Much like Superman, I can use this for good or evil. I don't think it matters which, but I will use it to go wherever I want.

The only thing left to decide is whether I bounce around all of time and existence or travel to different parts of my timeline.

Just Remember: When life hands you lemons, get in the damn time sphere you stupid idiot.

The Day the Earth Became a Bunch of Idiots

In 2013, a lot of political figures in the United States of America all came to a key conclusion: We should undo a few laws. Their logic was that the world had changed enough that we could get rid of them. One of the laws we have gotten rid of recently has been Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act, a section that rejects state laws that are racially discriminatory towards minority voters.

I ask you: Has the world really changed? Think about it.

With that logic there is so much we could change. We could institute that movie theaters no longer need projectors since people would be able to understand the movie by sound alone. Or, even better, we could have music concerts without speakers since sound travels anyway. Or maybe, just maybe, we could start having deodorant that doesn't remove smell at all.

The reason why the world has changed so much is because these laws were in place. Prior to these laws, we had rules that were so abhorrent that they needed to be changed. Also, getting rid of/altering laws costs taxpayer money. Why would we want to alter laws that don't really need altering and pay for it? When Hostess was going bankrupt, several people bought a box of Twinkies to make sure the business stayed intact because the product reminded them of their childhood. If only the same could be said of education and equality.

Just Remember: It is a badge of pride for some people to say they remember where they were when a certain song came out. Claiming that Pluto was a planet when you were young is also kind of cute. I think it's going to be a strange future when we can say "I remember when voting equality was legal and then when it stopped being legal."

A Vacation...And It's Mandatory!

It's mid to late June and there is a distinctive difference in the air: noise. Why does summer bring so much noise? It's because the school year is out and so young people are bound to be out more. How do we combat this? Vacation!



Vacations can be useful to the family or the average Joe. The family can get away from it all and the average person can get away from the everyday gripes of their own job. Why not go fishing, camping, or anywhere your heart desires? Live it out when you are out there. Party,meet someone you find attractive, lie to them about what you do for a living tell them you're a lion tamer. Even if you don't go to Vegas, play it out like you are.

Just Remember: Where you might go for your vacation might also be where someone with kids goes for their vacation.

Rising Price of Dark Matter

When I was younger I used to ask adults what they were up to or how they were and they would give answers like Oh, can't complain. I'm just living the dream. I never knew what they would mean. They would be married with kids, things I never wanted.

Today it made sense.

Over the course of the past few weeks, gas/dark matter prices as shot up to about $4.09 per gallon ($4.19 at some stations), the highest they have ever been around here. Today the prices dropped to $3.99 per gallon and I, like many, sighed in relief and said Oh, thank God. What a relief. It was then that I realized how ridiculous the statement was. Sure, it is nice that the price dropped 10 cents, but considering how a few months ago it was about 40 to 50 cents less than it is now the statement is kind of worthless.

Backtrack about nearly two decades and the prices of gas in the early to mid-90s was at about, if not just below, $3.00. That's right, in twenty years 3-D movies made a comeback, pop music went from horribly catchy to incredibly bad, and  gas prices rose by over dollar.

Those adults were living the dream.

Just Remember: Perhaps something is wrong here. Maybe we shouldn't depend so much on oil and start looking to other sources of fuel. Or maybe, just maybe, when someone comes up with an idea for a vehicle that is powered by other means, we don't laugh at them until they gave up.