It is real and it is finally here

The Smell-o-Scope! What would Professor Farnsworth think, his invention having been presented again. To think, if this occurs, we might have to watch out for a giant comet-sized ball of garbage heading for us.

Just Remember: Science fiction leads to some amazing and wacky inventions.

Future Grammar

I may have misspoken in side the time sphere. I'm sure I will go back and fix those weeks I didn't post anything...eventually. One thing I have noticed on my trips to the past was that there is a Science Fiction channel named SyFy and a mystery channel called Cloo on cable. For those of you that love that, there is bad news for you coming on the horizon. In the near future, there happens to be an intense bout with illiteracy in the world. In the end, everyone reverts to the original spellings of things. Word creativity ends up being murdered a slow and painful death.

As it so happens, I am a rebel, an innovator, and a sklinker (that's right, I just made up a word). Sure there are other sklinkers, revivers of past abilities, and we revel in our skill against the black-and-white uniformity. It can get tiresome having the same thing, day-in, day-out, listening to Sir Mix-A-Lot. That is why we try something unique with our words.

Just Remember: It's great to be creative, but never let that get in the way of grammar.

Even Further into the Future

Fleeing into the future, I wanted to see what had become of the world, what had become of myself. The funny thing about fleeing into the future is how different things can be. Perhaps a scarred face or a an evil lair of doom. In the future, all I found was more of the same, but slightly different. Rats ceased to be, but owls had become a real infestation. A ride to the moon was no problem anymore. And, of course, politics take some sort of crazy turn. The thing that baffles me about the future is how much it can change a person. It is easy to assume that we all know who we are now, but seeing our future selves makes for an odd view. We talk about the horrors of being a face-scarred renegade or potentially becoming a run-down geriatric. Those visions may seem horrific as hell, but in truth, they aren't that bad. Having done something amazingly wild or even having done something is something spectacular.

The only thing that needs fearing is traveling to the future to find that your future self is doing what you have been doing all along. Spinning the same wheels, running around the same circle, and hoping that things will change. That must be some real horror to find that everything you ever wanted and worked for will continue to be everything you want and work for and not necessarily getting to that goal.

Just Remember: The present is always now and the future is up-and-coming. Why bother not changing where we are now to make what is up-and-coming worth the wait?

Visiting those Lost

Traveling all over time gives one the ability to do what they want: study, revise, omit, etc. The only problem with the concept of travel is not being about to revise what we want to, only that doesn't necessarily pertain to us. Having that inability, it leaves me with no other option but to merely study certain parts of the past. I took the Time Sphere back to the late 1980s where I decided to visit home. It wasn't until I was outside my old subdivision that I realized the visit wouldn't make any sense. Turning around, I headed back into town to see what the town used to look like when I was young; however, I was faced with one massive problem: being Hispanic in a very rural region.

The visit to town was going fine up until a group of rowdy young men decided to show me a lesson. I ran. I ran as fast as I could and ended up in the town church. The building, for the most part, was empty. Trying to regain my breath, the priest and a parishioner came up to me and asked me what was wrong. Omitting the entire time-travel-thing, I told him about the men outside. The priest opened the door and the men started into the building threatening and taunting me. The father tried to show them logic and reason, but they wouldn't have it. It was then that the parishioner stood up to them, spouting off names and claiming he knew their parents. It was a strange display.

When the young men left, the parishioner and I attended to the priest. It wasn't until then that I realized who he was. I could have said anything to him. I could have told him of what to expect or what steps to take to postpone his inevitable end, but before I could think of anything to say he was on his way home with his son, a young me. It was then that I opened the time sphere and left. The past is too upsetting sometimes.

Just Remember: "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Back to the Past

Having failed to utterly destroy Taylor Swift and then getting locked in a club bathroom kind of wore on me. I needed to do something completely successful and amazing. I went back to the 1980s to the set of Back to the Future so I could steal the DeLorean from the set, but then it occurred to me, if I steal the main prop from that movie then the movie might not get made. Sad, I stayed a while to see the actors act. Then the director, Robert Zimeckis, came over to me and asked what I was doing on set. I could see from the glimmer in his eye that he wanted me in the film...at least until he had the police handcuff me and put me in their cruiser.

I couldn't escape with the time code as it was in my back pocket and couldn't easily read it. I ended up getting taken in for trespassing. The cops took everything from my pockets, including the time code. When they saw it they asked why I had a sheet of a bunch of numbers. I had them read the numbers on it for me. As the time code appeared, I grabbed my things and shoved an officer out of the way, jumping in and traveling several years into the future, ending up on the set of Back to the Future III. I got in the DeLorean and rode off into the time sphere. Apparently, the time sphere isn't car friendly so only me and half of the DeLorean made it back to the future.

Just Remember: I HAVE THE FLUX CAPACITOR, BITCHES!

Paradiso Lost

After having failed to halt the existence of the wretched Taylor Swift, I decided to return to the future and join in on a past time that I have not done in basically ever: night clubbing. Actually, it didn't start like that at all. It actually started with me walking downtown and finding this bar called Level 42, a bar geared toward every gamer nerd out there. There are game-themed drinks, recliner chairs,  and game systems. They have everything...except for food. I ended up leaving and going to Paradiso Pizza on the block kitty corner from the bar. For a pizza place with such a classy name, it has some really strange decor: all white floors, all white brick walls, and murals of anime girls.

As I dined on pizza, I chatted up the bartender and discovered that there were two additional floors above the pizza parlor that were a night club. He even took my name to put on a list so I could get in for free later. Seeing as the club wasn't supposed to start hopping until midnight or so, I went back to Level 42 to kill some time. Level 42 ended up being pretty cool, but having overstayed my welcome on the game systems, I made back for Pardiso Pizza a little earlier than intended. I walked up to the second floor. The floor was a solid, plastic white matte. Neon lights, the only thing to give life to the bland decor. There were solid, white plastic cylinders as tables or potentially chairs...it was kind of hard to say. Also, there was a large white plastic couch at one end of the room complete with one female waitress that looked tired of the club scene.

I snuck up to the third floor. This level seemed a little more incredible than the previous. There were couches in the shape of clouds (cool to look at, but incredibly difficult to get comfortable on). There was a floating island of a bar, all white as you may have guessed, with small digital televisions hanging down from the ceiling all around the bar. The shadow of a woman gyrated a dance in a fashion that could be considered surreal art or hip by some, it just confused me. Unlike the floor below though, the third floor was entirely empty. Having some privacy, I jumped into a bathroom. The bathroom, from what I can surmise, would have been all white had it not been illuminated in a blue light. Before I continue I want to say that I am no architect, just a person. So I finish my business in the bathroom, I unlock the door, and then I reach for the handle...the handle that isn't there. That's right, a bathroom was created without a door handle. I tried everything I could find (my shirt, my belt, bunched up paper towel) underneath the lock so I could use it as a handle, but to no use. I pounded on the door, but nobody could hear my above the music or from a floor below.  In the end I had to use the time code to activate the Time Sphere and leave.

Just Remember: Night clubs kind of suck and can suck more if you don't take a friend along...mainly because they can kick open a bathroom door that has no handle. Also, if you visit a club downtown above a pizza parlor that has a locked men's room...that was me. Good luck getting it open.

Attempting to Right a Wrong

All of time and space at my finger tips. The question becomes What do I do first? I could go back and try to get together with a lost love. I could go back and see the best concerts or meet the greatest people of all time. Instead, I chose to do something rather heroic: I went back in time to meet Taylor Swift's parents...so I could prevent her from being born.

For a while, her parents could only focus on this whole time-travel-orb thing...mostly because it isn't kosher to walk out of a time sphere ass naked. But, when they finally got settled in and I got my clothes back on and they were willing to listen to me, they were focused on how much money their daughter would make. I took a moment to play them one of the albums their daughter would record which I stole before I left. While her mother loved it, her father decided to drink heavily. If that didn't stop it, alcohol poisoning sure would.

Jumping back into the Time Sphere, I rode a few years into the future. It would seem nothing changed. The monster was still born and it cooed horrible tunes from its wretched sound hole. I saved no one from her future wretchedness.

I wanted nothing good or her. Not success. Not glory. Not happiness. It was then I realized that her music was all about how she wasn't happy with men and I decided create the perfect man for her, one that wouldn't hurt her, leading to her creating shitty music. I rode the Time Sphere head long into the future, compiling an automaton from various pieces of tech. The Mechanical Man was perfect in every way except for that it was too realistic.  When I sent him back he would go on to disappoint her over and over again until, well, I guess what I'm saying is...I created Taylor Swift.

Sorry guys.

Just Remember: We can't always get what we want. Again, I'm terribly sorry.

Walternates and Fauxlivias

In an alternate dimension, everything could be different based off of slight changes, perhaps anything determined by coin flips ended up the other way. That sounds like an interesting chance...too interesting not to pass up. I have recently come in contact with a bit of code that will allow me to jump around time to any point I wish. There is a chance to right previous mistakes, undo the past, steal anything I ever wanted. Much like Superman, I can use this for good or evil. I don't think it matters which, but I will use it to go wherever I want.

The only thing left to decide is whether I bounce around all of time and existence or travel to different parts of my timeline.

Just Remember: When life hands you lemons, get in the damn time sphere you stupid idiot.

The Day the Earth Became a Bunch of Idiots

In 2013, a lot of political figures in the United States of America all came to a key conclusion: We should undo a few laws. Their logic was that the world had changed enough that we could get rid of them. One of the laws we have gotten rid of recently has been Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act, a section that rejects state laws that are racially discriminatory towards minority voters.

I ask you: Has the world really changed? Think about it.

With that logic there is so much we could change. We could institute that movie theaters no longer need projectors since people would be able to understand the movie by sound alone. Or, even better, we could have music concerts without speakers since sound travels anyway. Or maybe, just maybe, we could start having deodorant that doesn't remove smell at all.

The reason why the world has changed so much is because these laws were in place. Prior to these laws, we had rules that were so abhorrent that they needed to be changed. Also, getting rid of/altering laws costs taxpayer money. Why would we want to alter laws that don't really need altering and pay for it? When Hostess was going bankrupt, several people bought a box of Twinkies to make sure the business stayed intact because the product reminded them of their childhood. If only the same could be said of education and equality.

Just Remember: It is a badge of pride for some people to say they remember where they were when a certain song came out. Claiming that Pluto was a planet when you were young is also kind of cute. I think it's going to be a strange future when we can say "I remember when voting equality was legal and then when it stopped being legal."

A Vacation...And It's Mandatory!

It's mid to late June and there is a distinctive difference in the air: noise. Why does summer bring so much noise? It's because the school year is out and so young people are bound to be out more. How do we combat this? Vacation!



Vacations can be useful to the family or the average Joe. The family can get away from it all and the average person can get away from the everyday gripes of their own job. Why not go fishing, camping, or anywhere your heart desires? Live it out when you are out there. Party,meet someone you find attractive, lie to them about what you do for a living tell them you're a lion tamer. Even if you don't go to Vegas, play it out like you are.

Just Remember: Where you might go for your vacation might also be where someone with kids goes for their vacation.

Rising Price of Dark Matter

When I was younger I used to ask adults what they were up to or how they were and they would give answers like Oh, can't complain. I'm just living the dream. I never knew what they would mean. They would be married with kids, things I never wanted.

Today it made sense.

Over the course of the past few weeks, gas/dark matter prices as shot up to about $4.09 per gallon ($4.19 at some stations), the highest they have ever been around here. Today the prices dropped to $3.99 per gallon and I, like many, sighed in relief and said Oh, thank God. What a relief. It was then that I realized how ridiculous the statement was. Sure, it is nice that the price dropped 10 cents, but considering how a few months ago it was about 40 to 50 cents less than it is now the statement is kind of worthless.

Backtrack about nearly two decades and the prices of gas in the early to mid-90s was at about, if not just below, $3.00. That's right, in twenty years 3-D movies made a comeback, pop music went from horribly catchy to incredibly bad, and  gas prices rose by over dollar.

Those adults were living the dream.

Just Remember: Perhaps something is wrong here. Maybe we shouldn't depend so much on oil and start looking to other sources of fuel. Or maybe, just maybe, when someone comes up with an idea for a vehicle that is powered by other means, we don't laugh at them until they gave up.

Workplace Adventure

The weather is getting nicer and work continues to be just as long, though, to its credit, it feels like it is several hours longer than it actually is. No, there isn't some strange time slowing device, it is more that you get to view how great the day is and watch it pass you by. How can you make yourself enjoy your day? Good question. I have a few ideas for how to have fun at work.

Only Movie Quotes Day
Talking in movie quotes, or song quotes, all day is fantastic because it allows you to be creative and have fun. My favorite version of this is quoting Batman all day long and become annoying as possible. Well worth it.

Go on an Adventure
This can be as simple as stealing someone's new invention and randomly pointing it at stuff. Sure, it might be extremely dangerous, but you may win a contest...somehow.

Listen to Horribly Catchy Music
Horrible 80's music is usually the way to go in this instance, though be forewarned: "The Safety Dance" isn't really that safe. Of course, if you can find good elevator style music and really get into it people will notice and either enjoy it too or leave you alone. My favorite so far is Burt Bacharach's Greatest Hits.

Learn Something New 
Learning something new isn't too difficult and can be fun. If you are paid to learn something, then by all intents and purposes, learn something else that is fun. This entire process can be expedited by having space worms. Just beware of internal battles.

Create a Game
A game is simple. All you have to do is make a score card of things that happen on a fairly regular basis. Give each a point value. Then make a few items on the list that are outrageous with extremely high points. Whoever ends up with the most points wins.
 

Just Remember: Work can be fun, just fake it like it is and it might actually start being fun.

On Being Successful

A few weeks ago I received an invitation for my 10 year high school reunion. Everyone wants to go back and brag to everyone about how they are a great spaceship captain or lion tamer, but certain networking websites make that difficult in modern society. Several of the people from the guest list have since friended me on Facebook. Curiosity struck me to research them a bit. I've found a few people to have become rather successful. This has me looking back to the fruits of my labor, writing, and trying to compare. All I can think of is that song by Ben Folds and Nick Hornsby.

It is hard being a writer at a reunion, surrounded by business people. It can seem on when they have their houses, children, jobs, and their always present phrase "it just felt like the next step" to guide their every decisions and you have your words, papers, and pens. I, on the other hand, never really felt like any of that to be my goal. I wanted to share ideas that make people think. My goal is being met and I can't ask for me.

Just Remember: Those classmates of yours that all have kids can't go out and party like those who don't. Take advantage of the fun. Also brag as much as possible.

It Gets Hotter and Hotter

So the weather is changing and, despite how you have yearned for warm weather all winter, it isn't the kind of warm you have wanted. It feels like someone is increasing the Earth's temperature 5,000 degrees every day...for five days. In all honesty, it is hard to deal with warm weather aside from trying to amalgamate to it slowly. The best way to do so is to hunker down in the lowest section of your house and familiarize yourself with an old show you love. It's a great way to relax.

Just Remember: That's how this blog got started. Perhaps you can start a blog on a show you like too.

Family Reunions

Phillip J. Fry was sent 1,000 years into the future in the year 1999.  He left behind his father, mother, and brother. While he felt they didn't care for them, it wasn't until a year after his waking that he found out he had a nephew named after him, a nephew that did all the fantastic things he dreamed of accomplishing. It wasn't until a few years later that he got to finally go back in time and be with his family, treating them the way he always wanted to. His bonds to them grew as he lost the new family he made in the future.

You and I may not be frozen for a thousand years and we may not be able to time travel back to visit people. What we should do is appreciate the people we have now. Take a break from our busy work week, sit down with them, and enjoy a meal or a movie because, in the end, they are all we have. We should enjoy them while we have time.

Just Remember: What are your priorities? Your actions will show them.

Your Music is Bad and You Should Feel Bad

A while back I took up guitar and, in the five years since taking it up, I haven't progressed much at my own work, but have done well in covering the work of others. Lately, there have been people I work with that have been playing for years longer than myself and, after having listened to their work that their rhythms are nice and their lyrics are clever, but there is something missing. I then realize then that is the problem that musicians and writer's both have: what you have are parts that are great independent from each other. Of course, not all music can be bad if the music is in you right?

That is a lie. Look at Taylor Swift. Her music has been around for a while and had studio production with it and it is horrible. And since you aren't Taylor Swift, that means you have talent of some sort. If you don't, just keep persevering and get help from friends. That is how one can get better.


Just Remember: No matter how bad your music is, at least it isn't techno.

Look at Ms. Puke and the Puke Mobile

Driving, whether I like it or not, is a vital aspect of my life. I have to get around. Whenever I hear people talking about driving, they have stories about being flashed by girls or getting out of speeding tickets. The stories I am usually involved in go something to the effect of Once upon a time, I was driving home from work when some schmuck in an SUV decided to cut me off. Ignoring this schmuck I continued onward towards my destination, when at an intersection another schmuck in an SUV decided that they had the right to turn before me, nearly crashing into me. Needing to stop for gas, I take the last open pump, only to be flipped off by the person entering the gas station behind me. They too are in an SUV, from which they begin insulting me and my "pukey-puke mobile."

Now there are a multitude of ideas that come to mind. The first being to turn the other cheek. Of course, this idea is thrown on the window by the time the second and third driver put me off within the same hour. My second idea lends itself to a more lawful path: calling the police. While that is well and good, I would rather not go through that hassle. Then comes the idea polar opposite to the former: DEMOLITION DERBY, BABY! Then logic kicks in and I realize that my tiny sedan is no match in that kind of derby against an SUV. And, while my mind logically realizes that their cars are more likely to roll or hit each other should a Demolition Derby take place, I then realize that my anger has gotten the best of me.

Just Remember: All people drive like crap, but we cannot let it get the best of us.

Bye Bye Gadget Childhood (Now in Hypnovision)

I was hanging out at the bookstore the other day and started noticing a horrific trend: kids admire schmucks. There wasn't a time in my life I remember thinking kids from Disney were cool and, better yet, the ones that were on Disney at my age didn't make music. Even when they made music later on, I didn't care for it. That aside, there sure as hell wasn't a book on any of them.

Such was not the case today.

I saw rows of books on "stars" who can still hardly play their own instruments. Think about it. There still really isn't a book about Justin Timberlake or Brittney Spears. There wasn't one about Phoebe Cates or Kirk Cameron. And there still isn't one fully about Michael J. Fox. Do you know why? Because their body of work isn't finished yet.

Sure, some joy can be measured that perhaps as there are books out about these schmucks that their careers will tank soon, but what if not? That is entirely bothersome more so than how these fools became famous. A lot of these "stars" have become famous like Hannah Montana: we were told they are popular and thus became so. At least Timberlake and Fox could back that up. The same could not be said of Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, etc.

Just Remember: Someone is going to make a lot of money when those books are updated to include any addictions and/or illegitimate children. Then they will be a lot better. Of course, nobody will read them.

Shut Up and Take My Money!

Tis the time of year where the Tax Monster swings around and sucks the cash from your bank account. Sometimes he leaves a little bit behind if you're lucky. Provided that the monster leaves more than he takes, you can come to an awesome decision: save the money for future bills or use it on something gaudy and audacious. There lies the true cruelty of the Tax Monster, making you choose between levelheadedness or knocking down that wall and unleashing your crazy inner child that wants everything. I hope that you can deal with this in the way best for you.

Just Remember: Even if you end up saving all of you get back, you typically end up spending it on what I call a "Shitstorm Anomaly". This could be anything from needing a new car because someone stole your last one to paying off an emergency surgery because your appendix almost explode. Basically, spending it on that expensive TV right now probably isn't the best idea when you innards decide you suck and wish to locate to regions outside your body. Also, and I'm looking at you fellow nerds, buying that book cabinet that looks like the TARDIS is probably great for storing your stuff, but not so hot later on. Save up.

Intravenous Technology

Here we all are, fiddling with technology, not focused on one another, or awaiting the new technology to hit stores. A lot of us can't wait for the iphone 37 to come out with its newly integrated french fry cutter and lobotomy function. I know I have fallen prey to time-wasting Skeeball apps, time I could have spent better with someone I care about or finishing one of my projects.  In the grand scheme of things, what is the point of all this technology? Why do we play Wii Bowling when we could have more fun with friends at a bowling ally? Why do we insist on creating digital farms when we complain about making our own beds? I think, in terms of Terminator, the machines are winning. So I ask, What are we doing to stop them?

Just Remember: It's ok to use tech if it helps make your life simple, just don't let it get in the way of your life.

Let's Try That Crazy Pizza Monster's Place Across the Street

For the past month or so, when I'm at work and have forgotten my lunch, I have been calling up delivery places from time to time. One of the places I call I end up calling more the food and less for the service. Every time I call the place the phone is picked up by a morose guy that is focused on being so dispassionate that he could fit in well as a dementor in the Harry Potter world. I'm fine dealing with people with oddball attitudes, I do it every day; however, this guy is a little too much to deal with.

So what is there to do?

I could have kept going and gave that guy crap or just tried something new. Sure, I could have complained the first restaurant and, as a matter of fact, I did talk with someone, but I asked if their employee was fine. As it turned out, they had been trying to get him help for a long time. Not really much point in arguing with that. So I let it be. I tried a new place down the street and it was fantastic. Is it the type of food I normally want? No, but the food is still great and the people there are a lot nicer.

Just Remember: If someone else sucks, sometimes it is easier just to be the bigger person and walk away.

Visiting Idols

Those of us who are lovers of movies or books would love to meet the characters. Sometimes, more often than not, the characters are made up, but the places have the potential to be real. Where it may be unlikely to go get drinks with Jonathan Ames (Bored to Death) or play board games with Igor (Dork Tower), it is totally possible to visit the places scene in that show or that book, respectively.

Is it as exotic as going to a different country for spring break? No.

Is it just as cool. Yes.

Should you take pictures? Damn right!

Just Remember: A few great places to visit would definitely be Chicago (Dark Knight), Pegasus Games in Madison (Dork Tower), and the Hollywood Walk of Fame in Hollywood (Blazing Saddles).

Tykes, Mics, Jockeys, and Schmucks

Every now and again we all like to return to the habits from days of yore. Some people try biking to work, others try learning Latin, and others still try reenactments. I've never really tried any of those thoroughly, but today I tried listening to a morning radio show. The topic brought up was should parents bring babies to the movies. Keep in mind that he had a story that lead up to this topic. Apparently, the radio show host had been at a children's movie with a friend because he had heard it was good. As he watched it he began to dislike the movie, but was also annoyed by a family in the back row of this nearly empty theater. The family, a single mother with baby and two other kids, didn't seem to understand that they should leave by his throat clearing. The host then ask listeners what they would do.

I called in and asked why he didn't talk with the parent. He took offense and asked why there had to be a mother with kids at the movie. I retorted that there is a different rule set for kids than with adults. He honed in on it, focusing on the movie being PG-13 and how a baby shouldn't be there. Then I explained how a rating means nothing if a parent gives permission. My inability to blow hot smoke up his ass seemed to really get under his skin and so he hung up on me.

After this, I recalled hearing radio show hosts growing up and a lot of them seemed pretty on the level and couldn't honestly think of one being crappy. Sure, the topic was broad enough to let anyone have a right answer, but it seems to me that he didn't want a sharing of ideas. He wanted to be told he was right. I can't really stand by that. Don't let this happen to you. Let fools know when they are wrong.

Just Remember: Radio show hosts, news monsters, acting robots, and any other time of person behind a microphone aren't necessarily intelligent. They just have a louder voice.

Work Place Wind Up

No matter who you are, there is someone that you work with and, by the grace of God, they know how to push every one of your buttons while coming off as a cool person to everyone else. Sure, they may be evil, and on more than one attempt they have tried to steal your blood. Having a workplace rival is a total pain. Sure they can do all that stuff, but it creates a rivalry that splits the rest of staff to be with or against you. This can lead to a multitude of other potential methods of revenge that can revenge from stealing of lover to blackmail. Of course, the average person might report to the boss, which may lead to action, but it can also backfire. You can be seen as an office instigator.

How does one go about this?

Simple.

Go about your work. Ignore them. Be pleasant, but get through the day. People will notice and things will work themselves out.

Just Remember: What you do at work is at work. The people there can only effect you outside of work if you let them.

Where's all that Junk?

Hopefully it is in your trunk or the backseat of your car, but it is most likely all over your place. You may be looking around your place from where you currently are with your computer. What do you see? Your collection of magazines? A stack of films that you watched once and vowed never to watch again? I suppose the next question to ask is Why are you still holding on to those things? Honestly, that stuff, like clothes in your closet that will "totally fit" if you lose a few pounds, is simply clutter. There is hardly any need for it.

What should you do with it then? Easy. Challenge your friends to a giant, Thuderdome-styled tournament to determine who gains control of more space in your apartment. Winner not only gets more space, but also a five dollar gift card to Hot Topic.

Of course, you could always sell extraneous junk. What can it hurt? You sell your stuff and you may be more surprised by how much you get for it. Otherwise through away the unnecessary.

Just Remember: You see slips of paper that all have meaning in some way, but everyone else sees clutter.

Selling Out or The Long Game

As I ponder what topic to broach this time, I can only seem to be concerned with who I was and what I thought in high school. Considering how I find life to be a lot more enjoyable currently than back then, it is rather laughable that I keep returning to such an unfulfilled time of my life. There was a time back then where my peers and I found a great deal of people to be sell-outs despite a distinct lack of knowing what a sell out was.

About a year ago I was fulfilling my dream job as a stand in. I was doing what I wanted. Currently, I am working a less than stellar retail job to pay the bills and receive health insurance while working my dream job on the side. Of course, this leaves little time for the good parts of life (i.e. gaming, writing, love, friends, websites that you look at and not tell people about, television, etc.). In retrospect, I am selling out a bit in an effort to keep myself healthy, but I realize is that, unlike before, my sense of immediacy isn't geared towards everything. As I grew older, I learned how to be patient and play the long game. Sure, there are things I absolutely need right now, but that doesn't mean I'm sacrificing anything until I get to my goal. Far from it. I'm merely biding my time until this train gets further on down the line.

Just Remember: Where we are not isn't our last stop. We all have a way to go. We will get there in time. Some of us may satellite before then and some of us may make a straight dash for it, but we will get there.

The Post V-Day Debacle

With the season of love out of the way we can finally begin to focus on stuff. What's that? You couldn't help notice that you are still unbearably lonely and/or are starved for attention? Ugh, fine! Chances are you are consider, despite that I have spoken out against it before, getting a pet. Before we proceed any further, let me just say that buying an instrument would probably be cheaper and a lot less likely to relieve itself all over your place.

Anyway, back to our schedule shenanigans. So you want a pet. The question is "What kind?" Almost every pet has a reason why it is had. First of all, there is the Fun Pet. Your friends love this pet and always want to be around because of it. These pets are awesome because they are nothing but fun...until you are tired. Then they become ironically similar to the next grouping known as the Just Because Pet which, as the name suggests, is around just because. Your friends absolutely hate how you treat it and don't want to be around because of it. Heck, get about 13 more and several stacks of junk and you could be on the show Hoarders.

The I'm-Heart-Broken Pet is also terribly annoying for anyone around you. You baby talk it, you have professional portraits taken of it, and (when you aren't listening to your totally awesome break-up playlist) you bath it with affection...the same level of affection you wish you still had from whoever left you. Well, sorry to say, that can become very sad very fast. The only thing more disturbing is the Symbol-of-Our-Love Pet. This pet shows up generally when the relationship is growing stale or about to collapse. It is essentially treated like a child, but with two angry parents. The pet, being a symbol of your love, means that everything else done becomes a symbol too. Someone forgetting to feed it becomes a symbol of how that person doesn't care enough about the relationship. Of course, sometimes the pet becomes the Scapegoat, which allows you to both to get out of all kinds of things (i.e. eating bad food, destroying your neighbors yard, child rearing, etc.).

Just Remember: Pets are a lot of work. Unless they help out in some way, child rearing excluded as that only worked in Peter Pan, pets end up taking a lot of time and patience. If you have that, go ahead, but don't bother if you don't think you have that.

Happy Valentine's Day

To everyone out there, whether you are with someone or alone, I wish you a happy Valentine's Day. Some look at it as a day where the only thing to focus on is what they need while others focus on what they don't have. I tell you that you needn't worry. What you don't have for one day shouldn't kill you...provided it isn't some specific medication. The truth is that you have one day of the year that you get to be away from your friends to either be with someone you love or to focus on doing something fun.



Just Remember: It doesn't matter if you are rearranging the stars, watching a pulsar go super nova, having a nice meal, playing video games, going to the most romantic city on Earth (Milwaukee, Wisconsin), or watching old reruns of a great show. You can and should have a happy Valentine's Day.

Will Chocolate Let Me Finish?

Sure, this week I could have written about gifting for Valentine's Day, but I have already written a gifting entry. It occurred to me last night that while I have written about the large break-up events of the season, I haven't taken into account how to break-up with someone. Suppose you have are dating someone and the magic is gone. Everything is just dead. Maybe you feel with way, but most likely both of you feel this way only neither one of you can say it. The fact is that it needs to be said: It's over. Mind you, breaking up is never a simple thing, but there are a few methods on how to do it.

The Not So Simple Talk - This attempt is the average break-up. One person wants to, the other doesn't. It is a total surprise. No matter what, this break up is never easy to attempt when in public. Privacy is ultimately necessary for this. This is by far the bravest way to break up with someone. There are a few methods to get through this.
                         The Honest Way - Being straightforward about your feelings is how to do it. You may end up with a drunken ex on your hands in moments, but at least your conscience is clear.
                         The Dishonest Way - Think of the craziest lie you can think of...then take it a step further. You may not have a clear conscience, but at least you're free.

The Simple Talk - While fantastically rare, this can happen. You both mutually decide that it's over. This  break up can happen anywhere, but, again, it is extremely rare.

The Simple Non-Talk - Facebook, text, voice mail message, snail mail, fax, telegraph, it doesn't really matter how it is done. The simple truth is you can't bear to say the words. This option is left for cowards or for use against violent exes.

The Subtle Break Up - I've seen this one used by a few friends. This is generally used against annoying/crazy exes. It is a simple break up without being rare. All that is needed is to stop showing up. I generally disagree with this method because it is cowardly and uninspired.

The Memorable Break Up - This is by far the ballsiest method on how to break up with someone. It can be as simple as being brutally honest or as horrible as breaking up with someone at their birthday dinner. Sure, they will be upset and you will look like a complete ass, but this will surely guarantee this ex will be out of your life for good.

I don't really care for break ups. They are as volatile as black holes, drawing people in and leaving destruction. The ultimate concern with a break up is how friends become weapons. In all honesty, the one way to deal with a break up is make it a one-on-one event. Spare everyone else. They don't need that.

Just Remember: If you are unhappy, it is always best to communicate first. See what happens. Then take action when nothing changes.

Welcome to the Relationship, Buddy.

A while back, I was introduced to a series of women who, unbeknownst to our matchmaker, were already in relationships. When I would meet these ladies it would be automatically noted that they were seeing someone and, my personality being what it is, made a joke about how "polyamory is totally in this year." This joke was usually met with an awkward laugh, an inability to look at one another while attempting small talk, and followed up with an immediate parting of ways. The joke was totally off putting for a lot of people, but then I would think to myself that I know a few people that are in poly-amorous relationships. To be perfectly honest, I have never understood such a relationship so I decided to talk with the people I know that are in those relationships.

FORWARNING: The people I am friends with may be in polyamorous relationships, but are by no means the standard for such.

How it had been explained to me is that I should imagine everything I love and then imagine the difficulty of finding a lover that had all of those traits. I had didn't have to imagine long, I knew how difficult that could be. Then I was instructed to imagine that I had all those things. After a bit of imagining there was this grand sensation of joy. My friends told me that their relationships were like that: they had found all the traits they liked and collected them into the relationship. To be honest, a lot of those couples look happy.

Then I had some faults to them I noticed. I noticed that everyone is basically at control of the relationship initiator and this initiator has a favorite. Recently, I have seen a friend lose one of her lovers and, unfortunately, it happened to be her favorite of the group. It would seem to me that too much control on behalf of the initiator can become almost difficult in such situations, making them not delightful relationships. This could, of course, be a bias in opinion based on the information I viewed in my friend and therefore doesn't mean it's the final say on the matter.

Just Remember: Relationships are relationships, whether they are one-on-one or multiple-people-sharing-one-person they need to be respected.


-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com  

The Second Wave

A while back, roughly in November, I made a post titled The First Wave. That post basically talked about how couples typically break up around Thanksgiving, allowing for you single people to go out and find some newly available people. A lot of people have been asking me when the second wave would take place, believing it would happen in December. The reason why you were still with someone during Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/etc. and New Year's is because nobody wants to be remembered as the first break up of a new year or the person that ruined Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/etc.

In truth, your significant other has been weighing the option of dating you since the holiday. There is a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." That saying is somewhat similar in terms of relationships, but it changes to, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 30 or 40 times, shame on me." Those 30 or 40 times can more than likely present themselves over the holiday season. Since Christmas and New Year's are so close together, it is almost like one big holiday and, returning to the original expression, screwing up one holiday season is enough. Nobody wants to have a bad second one. Now what is that bad second one? You guessed it: Valentine's Day. If you make it to the weekend past the dreadfully romantic holiday, you are safe; however, people have cut it so close to the wire that they break up on the very day.

This is the Second Wave.

Just Remember: The first wave is rather helpful because there is still fun to be had in those early winter months, but now everyone wants to relax and keep warm, making going out a little harder. You will need to take a bit of time. Give it a month or so and you should be fine.

Return of the Online Dating Monster

Last week I briefly described the entire idea of online dating; however, I didn't discuss searching for a significant other. This entry will be the one that I discuss how to effectively narrow down a search. Before you go running off, figuring out about others, you must realize that you have to figure yourself out first. Ask yourself what is a "deal breaker" for you and use that to help you discern who fits into your needs and who doesn't. If you hold intellect at a high level, it might be a bit of a stretch for you to date someone that never went to college. If you find having similar interests to be key, it might be difficult if you have very little in common. Can you deal with them having kids or taking head shots with duck lips? How far are you willing to drive to see them? Is the percentage of you wanting to drive to visit them directly proportionate to the level at which you expect more than a good night kiss? Answer these questions and it does narrow down quite a bit more.

Now that we have that out of the way, we must realize that many people have a hard time at talking about themselves and therefore write bad profiles.
 
The profile types are as follows:
  
The Liar - These profiles are generally easy to spot. The pictures tend to be incredibly easy to find on Google Image Search. It is less than likely that you happened to stumble upon someone that lives with in 40 miles of you, has an uncanny resemblance to your favorite actor/actress and just can't find the right one for some unsuspicious reason. Sometimes the Liar doesn't present him/herself until there has been some discussion for a while. They may manage to conveniently not show up for dates or blatantly admit their lies to you when writing back and forth. Of course, on occasion, the Liar is only created to slam the person who is pictured in the profile. These profiles generally admit to things that most people wouldn't admit to (i.e. If a girl writes in her profile "She likes to cheat on her bfs" this is a key indicator of a Liar profile).

This profile is easy to deal with by ignoring it.

The Bait and Switch - There is a picture with two or more people in it. The others don't matter because that cute one is the one this profile must belong to. Your long search has come to an end...until you look at their other photos and see that the profile belongs to the person you find least appealing.

I'm sorry for your lose...move on.

The Empty One - This is pretty self-explanatory. The Empty One is generally pretty empty. Sometimes this type of profile is combined with a Liar profile to create a Slam profile. Slam profiles generally admit to things that most people wouldn't admit to (i.e. If a girl writes in her profile "She likes to cheat on her bfs" this is a key indicator of a Liar profile). If neither of these is true, then it is possible that this person is too scared to open up. Some people won't put a picture up because they either aren't confident in their looks or are worried they will get nothing but the people they aren't interested in.

If you can read this profile in under a minute and you aren't a speed reader, then something isn't right. Either attempt to coax them out of their shell or move on to another profile.

The Dramatist - I don't know how to effectively convey irony in tone, but the dramatist so doesn't love drama, they totally don't want their lives to be like a soap opera. Dramatists love drama because they like the action. These profiles generally have the phrase "I'm drama free" or "Please, no drama." They are kidding, they dig drama as long as they can control it.


The List Maker - A profile by the List Maker is pretty easy to spot as everything is aligned on the left-side and either proceeded by a dash or number. These profiles are somewhat of a contradiction. They make the profile author look like they are very self-away and are giving a great deal of information, but this isn't necessarily the case. Sure, you may learn what list of things they want to know or what have you

Try combating the List Maker by asking them to list off certain things or have them explain the order of their lists.

The Island (The Independent One) - The Island is an easy profile to spot as there are certain key phrases. If a person clearly states that "they won't change for you no matter what" they are the island. These people are very set in their ways or have a specific group of people they care for. Be fun, easy going, and always tread lightly. That is the only way to deal with an island.

The Average Joe/Josephine - This person sounds like they have an incredible amount of things in common with you. They have a job, you have a job. You both like the same sports team. By sheer happenstance, you both not only breath Oxygen, but think it is the best element on the periodic table.

While this person is easy to talk to and has a lot in common with you, the only way to find out if you two work is to hang out in person. You will either click or you won't.

The Busy One - He/She totally has a great job that is the cornerstone of his/her busy schedule. Every moment is timed precisely. There is working out, time for meeting friends, time for other hobbies, and, in those few minutes before bed, time to check their email and respond to you. Clearly this person understands that they don't have time to meet people, but they don't realize that they don't really have time to date people.

The only way to deal with this is to be calm, and try to work to their schedule. If you can't, then it won't fly.

The Vague One - These profiles can often say a lot with out saying anything. They may explain why that author joined a dating website or what they are doing with their life, but the one key component to these is that all they say is filler and nothing personal or important. Often, these profile use cliches like "I'm the girl next door" or "I want someone to spend time with." This is when you ask yourself What the hell is a girl next door? which leads into thinking about your neighbor growing up and realizing how annoying they were.

This person needs to be slowly coaxed out of their shell, much like a turtle. Feed them compliments and try to make them laugh. If they are still rather rigid, don't put in the effort.

The Dependent One - If not this exact line, these profiles will have a line that reads something akin to "I'm looking for someone to be an everything to me." Some of these people are talking about moving on to the next step in their lives which can be code for marriage/children.

Simply ask for what they want out of a relationship specifically. This can be a good indicator of whether or not you can handle them.


The Tease - This is the most obvious of profiles as there is generally a picture of implied nudity, some line or phrase that can obviously be misconstrued, or some way-too-honest fact that they clearly don't want people to focus on. This can range from "I'm not a fan of pants" to "I never wear underwear." These profiles can just as easily fall into the category of Slam profiles. Don't bother with them. They are just looking for attention.

This should help out in decrypting dating profiles, but keep in mind that my methods in combating the authors attempts at anonymity are simply what have worked for me. Perhaps you can try a different methods. Beware though, don't confuse the Tease for a simple confused person.

The Contradictor - Even James Bond wouldn't understand what these people are talking about. They say they want someone that they want to be around all the time and then they say they want someone who will give them space. This profile author, much like the last, needs to clarify a great deal.


Just Remember: Communication is key, it is the way I decrypted these profile types for me and it is a way for you to find your own method for doing the same.



-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

The Online Dating Monster

A while back I wrote a an entry about meeting people in a bar. In that entry, I left out the entire concept of online dating and claimed I would get back to it eventually. Now, five months later, I feel as though I have researched enough to understand it a bit more thoroughly.

As with a great deal of many other situations, there is a great trepidation about online dating because it is somewhat misunderstood. All I ask is that you follow the next few simple rules for online dating.

1. Don't be so damn shy! - A lot of people think that online dating is for shy people. In a way that is true, but, in a more exact way, it is more for people who know what they want. This is a chance to show people who you are. People tend to look at pictures, so put up one or two good ones and one that you feel depicts yourself. The same goes for writing. Be direct while leaving somewhere for conversation to go. Say what you are about and what you are looking for so there aren't any misconceptions. A good rule of thumb is to adjust your profile if you see something from yours popping up in too many other profiles. Remember, it doesn't have to be entirely serious. Try to show your sense of humor and don't talk about your ex.
2. Explore who you are - While some websites ask a variety of questions to develop a match percentage, not all do. These questions are important in finding someone. Is it important that someone you date likes coffee or are you ok with them not having an opinion on it. Do you want to date someone with or with out kids? Start with simple questions and venture out to the complex.
3. Searching - or - Beyond the Bullcrap - While not everyone likes to admit it, most people look at the pictures first. This can determine whether or not there is a physical attraction. Lets be honest: If there isn't a physical attraction, there most likely won't be much desire or passion. Beyond pictures, nearly every profile is written exactly the same: poorly. People use vague and cliche descriptors to describe themselves like the girl next door or average guy. Even worse, people use vague descriptions for what they want like just a good guy or a girl I can take home. While these phrases describe what they want, they describe more of a concept and not an actual human being. Of course, don't let all of these descriptors fool you. You can still talk to someone if you find them interesting, just try to find common ground and don't get too invested too soon.
4. Ready, Set, Talk - If you don't write to someone first, who is to say that they should? Take the first step, you have a profile up anyway, may as well follow through. There is some disagreement on how to initiate conversation with someone. Some believe that short "hello" is totally fine while others believe a paragraph or more is more descriptive of intentions. In reality, somewhere in between yields the best results when initiating conversation. A quick hello isn't memorable and a paragraph can be a little oppressive to some especially when it is a marriage proposal as I got in an intro letter, yeesh. Simply say Hi, be honest about something you liked in their profile, ask them a question about it. It is just that simple. The longer letters can come later as you talk more and more. This is your chance to ask them questions to help figure out their personality and criminal history (this can also be found out by looking their name up on your state's closed circuit court website). At some point this can lead to phone calls.
5. Getting the date - Provided you have kept up with communicating, a first date should be in order. The great question about getting the first date is When do I ask. In all honesty, whenever you feel it is ok. Some people ask by the second week of communicating while others wait up to a few months. Either is fine provided both people feel comfortable and not pressured. Never go with someone that puts you off and never be someone that forces someone into a date.
6.  The First Date - Here is where the true challenge lies. Talking on the phone and writing are an entirely different ball game. As with many first dates there is the standard freak out of trying to dress nice, look good, and planing a memorable date. The only difference between this and other dates is that both of you are frantically trying to remember all you know of each other. That part doesn't matter so much as a having a good time does. Many people go for the standard coffee date to test the waters in person. This is stupid move. The best way to go about it is to attempt a meal, which can allow you two to converse, followed by a fun activity to work off said meal the best date I ever went on involved pizza and laser tag. Rule of thumb: If you aren't having fun, they aren't having fun.

Just Remember: In the end, it will be obvious whether or not the date went well, just don't force more. A forced second date is worse than a crappy first date. Besides, there are other people out there, go write to one of them and focus on what you have in common, not what makes you different.


-Future_Man_3000


P.S. - If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to contact me by email: futureman3000@yahoo.com

Happy New Year

It was 13 years and two days ago today that Phillip J. Fry became frozen in a cryogenic tube. He will not awaken for another 988 years and one day. Until he awakens, we can only hope that we see the same adventure and wonderment in this new year that he experiences when he awakens in the year 3000.

Just Remember: Dr. Samuel Beckett of project Quantum Leap is still lost, few people know where The Doctor is, and nobody really gives a crap about those two idiots who lived in that Lake House.